


Discovering Brian - A Minute-by-Minute Discussion (Season Two)

by Frayach



Series: Discovering Brian - A Minute-by-Minute Exploration [2]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Discussion, M/M, Meta, Scene Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:44:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2494934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frayach/pseuds/Frayach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't a story; it's an invitation to a discussion.  I can't get enough of talking about Brian Kinney, and I can't get enough of watching the show.  This is my excuse to do both.  Please, please, please join in - agree, disagree, tell me what you think Brian had for lunch - everything goes.</p><p>This will go on for forever and hopefully trigger some story ideas (and ideas for my WIPs).  No observation, thought or theory is too trivial or weird.  Bring 'em on!</p><p>"Discovering Brian" is a series with each season as a separate work/chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The "Broken Boy-Toy"

**Author's Note:**

> Season Two, episode 1

Alright, once more into the fray (and, yes, the pun was intended). 

Before I start the discussion about Season Two, I want to revise my earlier remarks about the bashing. After reading everyone’s comments (especially Daisybelle’s) I’m now totally convinced that Chris Hobbs came to the prom with the intention of attacking Justin. What I’d thought were twinges of jealousy/desire on Hobbs’s face I now see as twitches of violent emotion because he knows he’s on the edge of seriously injuring (and perhaps killing) another human being – no matter how hated that person may be, it must be terrifying. So what that means is that I now totally & 100% believe that the attack would’ve happened whether Brian had come to the prom or not. Thus it is in _no way_ his fault. In fact, if he hadn’t been there, Justin probably would’ve died. As one of my psychopathic clients once told me – never let a victim live, especially if he recognizes you.

So, Season Two, episode one. The theme? Everyone hates Brian (except Justin and Michael) and thinks he is to blame for Justin’s bashing. Especially Brian, himself. Nobody says it . . . well, not until Jennifer tells him point blank . . . but you know that everyone’s thinking it. Brian and his need to be the center or attention. Brian and his shitty judgment. Brian and his need to rub straight people’s noses in his sexuality. Brian who is and has always been irresponsible and caviler with people’s feelings – and now, apparently, their lives as well. (That's not my opinion, but I think it's everyone else's.)

The episode starts with Michael showing up at Babylon and asking where Brian is. He’s told that Brian’s where he usually is – in the backroom getting his dick sucked while Justin struggles to recover in the hospital. Michael goes to see for himself and is horrified to find out that it’s true.

The scene of Brian in the backroom is one of the most visually powerful in the whole show. He’s neither in this world nor the next – he’s in some kind of weird blue purgatory. Everything looks so cold and otherworldly, but not in a good way. Brian’s eyes are dead. He’s dead, or rather a piece of him is. He’s not even enjoying the ministrations of the two men between his legs. He’s just existing – and only just barely.

Later, Emmett says what everyone is probably thinking (except Michael): “When your boy-toy gets broken, get another toy.” Ouch. You cannot like Brian as a person and say something like that. True, Brian nurtures the appearance of indifference – or, at the very least, is avoiding everyone – but still. _Ouch_. So add Emmett to the list of people who clearly dislike Brian – Mel, Ted, Jennifer, Debbie, his family. Am I missing anyone? Even Michael’s devotion is shaken . . . at least until he sees the bloody scarf.

Brian is clearly still in shock, and Jesus Christ, he must be fucking _exhausted_! Between working, going to Babylon and spending the night at the hospital watching Justin, the guy can’t be getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night. Plus we know he isn’t taking care of himself. He’s doing drugs like crazy (mostly coke to stay awake) and not eating anything but junk food. It looks like he’s given up on life . . .

. . . meanwhile, Justin is fighting like crazy to get his back.

I know why Brian doesn’t visit while Justin’s awake. He just can’t deal with it. He’s fragile enough as it is. He’s scared and self-loathing. No one can blame him more than he does himself. But that said, you just want to SLAP him upside the head and tell him to grow up and fucking deal with it. There’s really no excuse for not visiting Justin – especially since he’s been told it might help. Yes, I understand why he didn’t, but I can’t excuse it. It’s cowardly – and, yes, self-centered. He’s doing penance, but penance is an inherently selfish act. It’s not about the person who’s been harmed; it’s about the “sinner” and his need for forgiveness. How is that not selfish? Wearing the bloody scarf didn’t help Justin; it was merely an attempt on Brian’s part to find some peace. Although, of course, as viewers, we see it and absolve him. We forgive him for not visiting Justin, which is bullshit. All the scarf tells us is that Brian is suffering. But so is Justin.

And then he tries to hide from Justin when Justin braves the world to search for him. Thank God for Michael’s chastising. Again, I know why Brian does it. He just simply cannot deal with seeing or talking to Justin. It’s understandable, but it’s also cowardly. And then the scene at the loft is one of my most hated scenes. Brian treats Justin so nonchalantly, saying that jerking off will help his hand. He acts as though nothing terrible and momentous has happened. Again, I get it. He can’t go there. I think this has happened to all of us at some point – I know it has to me. Words don’t feel like enough and so we don’t even try to talk. Words feel like they merely trivialize the event, but that’s when we _force_ ourselves to talk – not because it’ll make us feel good but because it will help the other person to know that you acknowledge his pain, especially when much of the pain is your fault (I’m talking about Brian’s decision not to visit Justin, not the bashing). Again, it’s selfish.

I have always wondered how sincere Justin’s forgiveness is. After all, he doesn’t know that Hobbs had planned to attack him. He could very well believe what his mother does. But regardless, I think he realizes that Brian desperately needs his absolution (even if he still doesn’t believe he deserves it). It’s the greatest gift anyone can give another person. Justin sees that the gift is more important than the truth. It’s a pure act of love, which highlights even further Brian’s selfishness. 

This sounds all very harsh, I know, but I really do see where Brian’s self-centered cowardice comes from. If he hated himself before the bashing, he hates himself twice as much afterward. He doubles-down on his act of indifference. His mask is even more rigid and uncaring than before. He was truly shaken by the bashing and is probably suffering from post-traumatic stress. He falls back on his tried-and-true defenses. He’s actually pretty fucked-up. Fucked-up people don’t behave rationally or responsibly; it’s part of what being fucked-up is all about. Brian doesn’t _want_ to hurt Justin; he just simply can’t help it.

The final scene . . . I almost can’t talk about it because it is so _so_ sad. Brian was tentatively trying to come out of his shell, and then Jennifer crushes him. Look at his expression as he walks to his Jeep. He looks stunned with pain. God only knows what he did after he drove away.


	2. Who's Your Daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episodes 2 & 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This post involves both episodes 2 and 3 based on one of their themes. The next post will also be about episodes 2 and 3, but it'll be about a different theme. I know we all have mountains to say about "Gay as Blazes," Bellweather and the Gay & Lesbian Center's award, but that'll have to wait . . .

I usually arrange this discussion by episode, but this time I’m going to do it by theme; thus this post is going to involve parts of both episode 2 and episode 3.

Let’s just jump right in at minute 5:45 of episode 2. Brian is with Lindsay, trying to help her build a swing set for Gus in Lindsay’s backyard.

Brian: [reading] Attach part J to part K, using a . . . ‘grachet’? What the fuck is a ‘grachet’?  
Lindsay: Beats me. I’m sure Mel would know; she’s a wiz with hardware.  
Brian: Oh, I bet. I think we should just hire someone else . . .  
Lindsay: [interrupting] Hey! It’s your duty as a father to build your son’s first swing set, now get cracking! I want it ready for his birthday!  
Brian: I know, it seems like almost yesterday since I was jacking off into that cup.  
Lindsay: [laughing] And you and Michael and Justin came tearing into the room. You couldn’t believe you had a son.  
Brian: [decidedly not laughing] _Two_.  
Lindsay: [after a moment] Why don’t you give his mother a call? Find out how he’s doing?  
Brian: [shaking his head] She doesn’t ever want me to see him again.  
Lindsay: I know . . . but maybe if you spoke to her . . .  
Brian: [interrupting] No, she’s right. It’s better this way.

Thus begins what I call the Sonny-Boy Arc.

This conversation (and many of the subsequent ones) is all over the place. Brian as father, Brian as lover, Brian pleasing mommy - _two_ mommies. It’s pretty . . . whoa! Who’s fathering whom and which baby belongs to which mommy and which son is whose. It’s all _very_ complicated. Mommies and daddies and babies, oh my!

Later, two other mommies are talking to each other. Jennifer is at Deb’s house talking about Justin’s PTSD, violent outbursts and inability to tolerate being touched. Deb, of all people, basically tells Jen that Justin needs Brian. Jen is _not_ having it.

Debbie: You know, Jen, they say that a boy’s best friend – especially a gay boy – is his mother, but that’s not always the case. Maybe what [Justin] needs right now is somebody else. Someone who could get close to him. And even more important, someone he’d like to be close to.  
Jennifer: [shaking her head] Debbie, I’m sorry, but not after what happened.  
Debbie: [resigned] Well, it was just a suggection.  
Jennifer: Besides, I can look after him myself!  
Debbie: [fake smile] Of course, you can.  
Jennifer: Okay [leaves].

The next scene is so heartbreaking, but equally convoluted. Justin braves his fears (and nightmares) to leave his mommy in the burbs and go to his lover’s place in the city. When he knocks on the door, Brian opens it with a cold look on his face and demands that Justin leaves. He doesn’t care at all (or behaves like he doesn’t) how hard it was for Justin to come to see him. His indifference/hostility is palpable. Brian’s as good an actor as Gale is. Poor Justin is totally confused and hurt. The visuals are very interesting in this scene and in keeping with the overall theme. Brian is still in his shirt and tie, and Justin is wearing a t-shirt. The scene could’ve been presented differently – Brian could also be in jeans and a t-shirt, but he’s not. He’s a _man_. Justin is a _boy_. Brian is dad. Justin is his son. Brian is not going to “come out and play.” Mommy said he couldn’t, and that’s that.

But mommy changes her mind. Justin is getting worse, and now that he’s found out that Jen told Brian to go away, he’s even angrier and more despairing. She doesn’t want to, but eventually she goes to daddy – opps, I mean, Brian – and tells him she’s willing to surrender custody and sign over her parental rights. Daddy/Brian responds by asking her, point blank, if she wants him to fuck their son/Justin. She’s not thrilled by the idea, but, yeah, if that’s what it takes to help Justin heal, then, yes, that’s what she wants.

Now that he has mom’s permission, Brian goes to fetch his second son from the burbs. Justin is being a brat, making fun of his mother for trying to keep them apart. Brian’s not amused. Justin asks him what’s wrong. Brian replies that he, Justin, has no idea how lucky he is to have a mom who loves and cares about him. Once again, Justin doesn’t grab the rope and ask Brian what he means. It’s an interesting parallel to Brian’s response to Justin’s anger at Hobbs. Don’t think about it. Don’t talk about it. Brian doesn’t want to discuss Hobbs, Justin’s abuser, and Justin doesn’t want to discuss Brian’s parents, _his_ abusers. Although, to Justin’s credit, he turns what could’ve been a spark of a fight into a joke. It’s something he often does to break Brian out of a funk, and I think it’s one of the things Brian loves about him. Justin helps him get over himself.

But there’s still a major hurdle to clear. Justin is still averse to being touched (or more precisely, fucked). Brian seeks the (totally ridiculous) advice of a shrink he’s fucked at the baths. According to Alex, Brian (as opposed to a mental health professional) needs to help Justin recover his lost memories. (I’m not going to go on & on about the fact that there’s a difference between repressed memories and injury-induced amnesia – which, interestingly, Gale, himself, later experienced as a result of a head injury sustained in a motorcycle accident. Two _very_ different things. Anyway . . .)

So Brian tries to help Justin unlock his memories, all the while embedding his own traumatic memories deeper and deeper like shrapnel in a wounded soldier’s brain. Not only does Alex’s “sage” advice not help Justin, it actively hurts Brian. No wonder Brian doesn’t trust therapy!

As it eventually comes to pass, Justin’s memory of the bashing _is_ triggered but by accident. He sees the plastic baseball bat Gus receives as a birthday present, and suddenly it’s all there again. Hobbs, the swing of the bat . . . he breaks down (why couldn’t we have seen more of this, CowLip??) Later, that night, at the loft, he asks Brian to make love to him. Despite the dubious psychological underpinning, the sex is profoundly beautiful. Has Brian ever been this loving? For that matter, has he ever used sex for anything but getting off? He’s experiencing sex in a totally different way than he ever has before – as a source of connection and comfort, not just the forgetful-punch-in-the-gut of orgasm. Making love for the first time in his life must’ve been a transformational experience in Brian’s life. In a sense, the sex sets them _both_ free in different ways. 

And, again, Brian is being both a lover and a care giver. A father comforting his son who’s woken up from a nightmare.

On to episode 3.

Now that Justin has recovered his memory, he needs to relearn how to interact with the outside world again. This process could’ve been shown in a dozen different ways (Brian could’ve taken Justin to Babylon or Woody’s or shopping or something), but the way CowLip makes it happen is by having Justin learn again how to walk down a busy street. Not a bad or odd idea. But the interesting part is that Brian sets it up so that Justin is walking toward him, down the sidewalk, and into his waiting arms. Juxtaposed with the immeidately previous scene of Gus’s first steps (in which Brian says “come to daddy”) there’s no other way not to view it as Justin’s own “first steps” toward daddy. Brian even says to himself “c’mon, sonny-boy.” 

I am not imagining this parallel. I know I’m not. Brian is both Gus’s and Justin’s “daddy,” just as he’s both Jennifer’s “ex-husband” and Lindsay’s wannabe husband. Gus and Justin are both babies, except Justin’s also a lover. Of his daddy . . . opps, I mean Brian.

I know some of you are going to say this is heavy-handed symbolism on the part of CowLip. If this was a literary criticism class, I _might_ agree. (I only say “might” because I like the way QaF is organized by themes rather than mere chronology.) But I’m going to forget CowLip and thinky-thoughts, and instead examine the arc as canon characterization. So what did I learn? Brian is at least a little bit confused by his relationship with Justin. Who is he? Is he a lover? Is he a father figure? Is he a menace? Is he a healer? Is his role in Justin’s life (whatever it is) a good thing (Deb) or a necessary evil (Jen)? What about the fact that his younger son (Gus) is ultimately the one who sets his older son (Justin) free? And then, of course, there’s Lindsay, who can never decide whether Brian is her husband or her child.

Whether he likes it or not (and I think he’s slowly growing to like it), Brian is becoming more of a presence – more of a _necessity_ – in other people’s lives than he’s ever been before. Episode 1 was about how everyone mistrusts Brian. Episodes 2 and 3 (at least as they pertain to Justin) are about people deciding to trust him. Even the mommies in his world are giving him a chance. Something is own never did.

Messy, but wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Kellankyle for the lovely gifs.
> 
> DON'T FORGET TO KUDO THE NEW PART!!!


	3. Bellweather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episodes 2 & 3.

Huh. Don’t know what to make of the all but total lack of response to my last post. I’ll try again.

The main theme of episodes 2 and 3 was Justin’s recovery. The other theme is about who is (or is not) a “gay role model.” Everyone agrees that Brian is not a good role model (not that he’s even trying to be one; he’s just living his life and doing his thing, fuck ‘em if they don’t like it). He thinks they’re all a bunch of stick-up-their-asses hypocrites. And then there are Emmett and Ted in the middle, who don’t know what to think.

Emmett and Michael take a gig as “naked waiters” at a dinner party attended by a bunch of, well, let’s call a spade a spade, lecherous old(er) men. It’s amusing, and yes, they did volunteer for the job, but can you imagine if Michael and Emmett had been Michelle and Emma? Sexual harassment law suit (actually, assault – pinching someone is battery)! Apparently (as Brian has already said) men will be men whether they’re gay or straight. Guffawing, objectifying, exploitative perverts. But then Em finds a morally-upstanding, totally-devoted gay couple who just want a housekeeper, not a naked one. He’s swept up in awe and admiration – and hope that maybe he, too, can have such a relationship someday. Yeah, right. We know how that turns out. Emmett has his dreams crushed when it becomes clear that the men’s relationship isn’t “monogamous” and that he’s their shared boy toy.

Ted’s admiration for Howard Bellweather parallels Emmett’s experience. Bellwether is a cultural critic whose favorite topic is the “bad image” the world has of gay men. He wants the rest of society to see gay men who do more than go to gay bars and clubs and bathhouses. He wants to take the focus off sex and put it on experiences gay men share with straight society, like responsible relationships and monogamy and family life. He hates gay men like Brian (and says so in a newspaper column slamming the Gay & Lesbian Center’s decision to give Brian an award for saving Justin’s life). Along with Brian’s lifestyle, Bellweather dislikes the way Brian’s relationship with Justin smacks of pederasty – the practice of older men taking adolescent boys as sexual partners. According to Bellweather, Brian is a terrible example of what it means – or _should_ mean – to be gay. He confirms straight society’s worst fears. He’s a disgrace to the community. He’s a sexual predator. 

[You’ve probably all heard that that’s exactly how CowLip describes Brian as a character, which is so beyond fucked-up that I don’t even know where to start – thank God they hired an actor good enough not to trap Brian in that silly box. Yes, Brian is sexually predatory, but that hardly defines him. Stuart in the U.K. version fits that description better, but even Stuart is more than his sexual habits. I watched the show before I discovered CowLip’s quote, and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head when I read it. I’d been wondering why the show seemed to punish Brian so harshly, and now I know why. At the end of the day, QaF became “Gay as Blazes.” Every viewer had to walk away believing that Brian is a member of a dying breed, and thank heavens for that! Now we can all get married. Hooray!

That said (and I’m sure . . . at least I _hope_ . . . that we’ll hash this out in the comments) isn’t that what “Gay as Blazes” (and QaF) tried to achieve? A view of gay men as “normal” just like Joe and Jane straight people? In fighting for civil rights for gays, hasn’t the mantra been, “Gay men aren’t promiscuous pederasts! They want marriage and families just like everybody else!” Think about it. We sympathize with Brian because he’s, well, Brian. But would we sympathize with someone living Brian’s lifestyle who isn’t Brian? And if yes, what if that “kind” of gay man is held up as a reason to deny gays civil rights? We’d be as quick to denounce him as everyone else for the sake of The Cause. The ark’s not big enough for the guys in “Gay as Blazes” and guys like Brian. One or the other, but not both. It’s easy to mock the Gay  & Lesbian Center as a bunch of prudes, but they’re the people fighting “The Good Fight,” while Brian’s off getting his cock sucked. God, there’s so much going on with this theme that I can’t even keep my thoughts straight, lol!]

So, back to Ted. Ted is my second favorite character after Brian maybe because, to me, he’s so like Brian in so many ways. Ted is torn between wanting to live a Brian-like-lifestyle and wanting to be in a loving, long term relationship. On one hand, he runs a porn site. On the other he’s a tender caretaker and lover (when he’s sober). He’s the most sex-obsessed character after Brian, but he’s also the character most obsessed with finding True Love. (I’m not counting Michael because Michael wasn’t on a quest for love; he happily bumbled into it.) So, it’s not surprising that Bellweather’s thoughts resonate with him, but then, like Emmett, he realizes his hero is a hypocrite.

Meanwhile Brian thinks it’s all a huge, heaping pile of bullshit and that any gay man who doesn’t want to be having lots of promiscuous sex is a lying hypocrite. Yes, he appears to be right. But is Brian happy with his “lifestyle”?

Probably one of the most telling scenes in the whole show regarding Brian’s “lifestyle” takes place in episode 2 after he’s promised Jennifer that he’ll leave Justin alone. He’s sitting naked on the edge of his bed, hunched over and flicking his lighter aimlessly, obviously unhappy, while the guy he’s just fucked is getting dressed.

Guy: Have you ever seen “Citizen Kane”?  
Brian: Yeah.  
Guy: All my life all I’ve ever heard is how it’s the greatest fucking movie ever made. So, I finally rent it. The guy who plays the lead is fat. The story about some sled sucks, and it’s in black and white.  
Brian:[looking at him with appalled incredulity] Maybe you were expecting too much.  
Guy: Like with you. All I’ve heard is how Brian Kinney is the greatest fuck ever. If you ask me, you’re both highly overrated.  
Brian: Everybody’s a critic. [walks guy to the door] Next time maybe you should rent “Butthole Boys.” I gave it two thumbs up.

I LOVE this scene and could talk about it _forever_ , but this post is already getting too long, so I’ll make it brief. Because Brian fucks every hot guy out there, many of the people he fucks are shallow morons. Making fun of “Citizen Kane” is shorthand for uneducated and uncultured – the guy’s a bimbo. Brian is disgusted by him and perhaps even himself. But that’s what happens when you don’t care whom you sleep with. Brian makes fun of the “Gay as Blazes” guys, but at least they have sex with people they actually like and respect and whose intellects are well-matched. The scene is meant to illustrate just how hollow sex-for-sex’s sake can be, and, more specifically, how lost Brian is without Justin.

So is there a middle ground? Hello, this is QaF we’re talking about! If there is one, we never really see it.

Wow! There’s still so much left to say, but I’ll leave it to you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to Kellankyle for the *hem* attention-grabbing gif. LOL!


	4. Get Over It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 4

This is a wonderful Brian/Justin episode, right up there with my favorite in Season Three. Actually, the whole first half of Season Two gives us a glimpse of a strengthening, loving, _real_ relationship. The two finally seem to get each other. For one example, after the Pride parade, Justin and Brian are at Woody’s, and Brian is grousing about how he’d only been hit on by lesbians all afternoon (and only for his sperm) because he was holding beautiful Gus. Justin glances over at two men sitting on a couch who are clearly _very_ interested in getting to know Mr. Kinney. “Here’s your chance,” he says playfully. “You’re not too late.” He kisses Brian’s shoulder and starts walking away. Brian is surprised and asks him where he’s going. Justin nods at the guys eyeing Brian. “I’m leaving you to your wicked ways,” he says. “Go find a stud and ask him to dance.” When he leaves, Brian looks baffled. He’d clearly been planning to spend his evening with Justin. He looks at the guys, but he doesn’t hook up with them. In fact he goes outside where people are dancing in the street. He grabs Justin’s shoulder, and Justin turns around. “Hey stud,” Brian says. “Wanna dance?” Justin thinks he’s being teased, but then Brian pulls him into his arms. Alluding to the prom, he tells Justin that he’ll remember their dance this time, and then they kiss and I melt all over my keyboard like a chocolate bar left in the sun because, _damn_ , it’s so romantic!

Oh, but wait, I forgot Brian doesn’t do romance. I thought all he wanted to do is fuck.

Sorry, getting a bit ahead of myself. I wish I could just enjoy the early episodes when Brian is really opening himself up and falling in love without looking down the road at the Violinist. My apologies, Justin, but unlike Brian, I never got over the Ethan thing. I understand, but I can’t forgive.

Anyway, back to Episode Four. Brian is in the full “shut up, suck it up and deal” mode for which we love him. First, he tells Michael to get over it and march in the parade with his mother. Second, Lindsay meets Leda – an honest-to-goodness real lesbian – and of course feels threatened because Lindsay’s need to control Mel is pathological. Lucky for her, she has Brian who tells her also to get over it. Later he tells Ted (who’d made a total fool of himself) to grow some balls and get over the “pity fuck.” And (in one of my very favorite Brian scenes in the whole show) he basically tells Clayton Poole, the homophobic CEO of a dying business that “we’re here, we’re queer, and we have billions of dollars of disposable income, so get over it.”

POOLE: The performance of our new poolside coolers isn’t what we’d hoped for.  
BRIAN: Unless you hoped for less than one percent of the market.  
POOLE: Well, uh, we need to change our image. When women think “Poolside” they should think “cool,” “hip, “trendy.” That’s why we’re looking for someone to add some spunk to our campaign. [Looks at Cynthia]  
CYNTHIA: Well, if you’re looking for _spunk_ , Mr. Poole, you’ve definitely come to the right man.  
BRIAN: [smirks appreciatively]  
POOLE: There will also be a $50,000 bonus if we can double our market share. So give me a proposal, and I’ll consider it.  
BRIAN: Maybe you should consider _this_ , Mr. Poole, your stock took a nosedive last quarter, and you have a shareholders’ meeting in three days. Unless you come up with something fast, your little family business will be bought out from underneath you at ten cents on the dollar.  
POOLE: You’re very . . . blunt, Mr. Kinney.  
BRIAN: And you’re out of time, Mr. Poole. If you want me, hire me.

Later, after Brian changes the drinks’ name to “Pool Boy” and puts a hot guy with a ten-inch dick in tight swim shorts on the label, he invites the now-brilliant-executive Mr. Poole to Woody’s for a celebration of his drinks’ success with its new market.

BRIAN: [summoning Poole to the bar] Mr. Poole! Glad you could make it.  
POOLE: [whispering with alarmed urgency] What _is_ this place?  
BRIAN: From the crowd, I would suspect it’s a homosexual drinking establishment.  
POOLE: [shocked  & appalled] A _gay bar_?! Why’d you tell me to meet you here?  
BRIAN: [smug] I wanted to introduce you to the hottest new drink on the market. [holds up a bottle] “Poolboy.” I changed the name and gave it a new look. [taps the bottle against a poster of the model’s 10-incher] Attractive, if I do say so myself. And they can’t sell them fast enough.  
POOLE [sputtering] This is your idea?!  
BRIAN: Yeah, it’s going to save your ass.  
POOLE: [looks around in disgust] I don’t want my ass saved . . . by these people.  
BRIAN: I think you do. In fact, you should’ve been marketing to them in the first place.  
POOLE: _Fags_?!  
BRIAN: Their money is as green as the next.  
POOLE: They can keep their money!  
BRIAN: Tell that to your shareholders’ Monday – that you turned your back on a consumer market with annual disposable incomes of tens of billions of dollars.  
POOLE: [looks around with a knew outlook]  
BRIAN: I can deliver them to you, but first I think you should show your community support by making a nice, big contribution to say the gay marriage initiative.  
POOLE: [looks around helplessly]  
BRIAN: [opens a bottle and hands it to him] 

LOL!!! An example of Brian at his best. God, how can anyone _not_ love him? He’s so refreshing.

Okay, once again this post is getting too long, so I’ll just mention one more scene. It could be considered another "get over it" scene, but it's completely different from the other. Brian and Michael enter the loft staggering and laughing (or rather Brian is – Mikey’s in full babysitter mode). Michael tells him to be quiet or he’ll wake Justin. But Justin’s already awake and comes downstairs. He’d seen Chris Hobbs at the AIDS hospice, and Hobbs told him that he hopes Justin dies. Michael erupts in anger, but Brian stays calm and centered, not a hint of drunkenness anymore.

JUSTIN: I saw him. Chris Hobbs.  
BRIAN: [looking upset] Another dream?  
JUSTIN: He was at the hospice.  
BRIAN: What the fuck was he doing there?  
JUSTIN: It’s where they assigned him his community service.  
MICHAEL: [outraged] Is that some sort of sick joke?  
BRIAN: [speaking softly and looking at Justin] Did he say anything?  
JUSTIN: He said that he hopes I get AIDS and die.  
MICHAEL: Piece of shit!  
BRIAN: [pulls himself together and goes to Justin] Forget it. [pulls Justin into his arms and whispers in his ear] Get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.  
JUSTIN: [whispering] I’m not going. [walks back to the bedroom]  
BRIAN: And miss your first Pride?  
JUSTIN: What do I have to be proud of? They I got bashed and didn’t die?  
BRIAN: [looks unhappy and at a loss for words]  
MICHEAL: If he doesn’t want to go, don’t make him.  
BRIAN: [hissing angrily] Stay out of it.

As we’ve been discussing, we almost never see Brian and Justin in scenes that aren’t primarily sexual. This scene is different because makes it clear that they’ve been talking a lot about the bashing and that Brian is helping Justin through his nightmares. The whole experience, terrible as it was, has brought them together on a more meaningful level than ever. They’re finally both in love and both moving in the same direction (even if they don’t yet know what that is).

Okay, I’m done with my erudite blah-blah. Now it’s you guys’ turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another huge "thank you" to Kellankyle for the gifs - especially the one she made specifically to my request (the last one).


	5. You Make My Dreams Come True

This is the episode (among many) that Brian helps make people's dreams come true - or, in Ted's case, gives him a reason to get his ass off the couch and stop spending his days wanking to porn.

But first of all, I forget, have we yet heard Brian go off on marriage? He does it so often through the course of the show, that I honestly can't remember. Well, whether or not he's said it before, it says it at minute 1:30 after Linds and Mel announce they're getting married.*

Linds: I've had the same dream I've had since I was little: to fall in love, get married and have a baby.  
Mikey: Well, two outta three ain't bad.  
Linds: Three out of three's even better.  
Justin: You're getting married?!  
Mikey: When did you decided?  
Emmett: Why didn't you tell us?  
Mel: [answering Mikey] A few weeks ago. [turning to Em] We just did.  
Everyone except Brian: Shriek!  
Brian: [holds up his glass of whiskey] A toast to the happy couple. May you come to your senses for it's too late.

*Do NOT get me started on Mel and Linds' "marriage." Those two are such are a mess. Last season they broke up over something stupid and stopped living in the same house (after just having a baby, btw), and just in the previous episode, they were squabbling over Leda. I forget (because I really don't pay attention to them): how long is it till they break-up again. They're infinitely more dysfunctional than Brian and Justin, which is saying something.

So, here it is. A shot across the bow for Justin. Brian hates marriage and thinks people who get married are delusional fools. Look at Justin's face. The trains just left their stations and are slowly starting down the track towards each other - they'll soon be picking up speed.

Just a few minutes later the most implausible scene in the entire show takes place: Justin gives Brian what is, judging from all the noises Brian makes, an awesome blow-job, after which Brian tries to reciprocate, and what happens? Justin gets treated to an expert blow-job from a man we've already been shown has no gag reflex? Nope. Justin doesn't want the blow-job that Brian seems very keen to give him. He wants to do homework. *brain explodes* Hey, btw, fellow writers or betas or just anyone for that matter: how would you describe the sounds Brian makes? I can't think of any word that captures them. And I _need_ that word. There's a sad lack of sex verbs out there. 

Okay, back to the show. The whole Ted Intervention thing cracks me up. I love it, except . . . well, it's sad to admit - I look like Ted does right now (at minute 8:22) in my jobless state of existence. But instead of watching porn I'm writing it . . . anyway. Brian, Emmett and Michael intervene, and Brian manages to get Ted a job at his agency. (Of course, he does because that's what Brian does for his friends even though he'd deny it to the grave.)

Later that night at Babylon . . . (for those of you who are watching the show along with my posts, check out the drag queens! This is my favorite Babylon show, which is saying something because I love those cowboys in their gold get-ups) . . . Justin insouciantly announces he's quitting school, which clearly doesn't please Brian. Later, Brian buys him a computer with a . . . a what? My tech terms aren't very sophisticated. An art program thingie? Justin gets really fucking pissed. He's just come from Woody's. Brian is doing sit-ups. Justin does the pour-a-bottle-of-water-over-his-head thing, and laughs. He goes to Brian and starts trying to initiate sex. Amazingly Brian says "later," which, of course, means there's something important afoot.

Justin: Let's go [to the bedroom]  
Brian: Later. Come and see what I got you.  
Justin: A new butt plug? Manacles? A vacuum pump . . . [sees the computer]  
Brian: Better, I saw it today at work . . .  
Justin: [walking away] I'm not interested.  
Brian: You don't even know what it is.  
Justin: [stops and turns] Sure I do -it's false hope.  
Brian: You can draw with it see? [sits down - and because he's a 14 year-old, draws a penis] Same as a pen or a pencil or a pain brush . . .  
Justin: [kicks off his shoes angrily]  
Brian: . . . . it's just mush easier to control.  
Justin: Oh, like with my gimp hand?  
Brian: . . . and there's a million special effects you can create with it . . . Stop being a fucking princess and come give it a try.  
Justin: What for? To make you happy? So you can tell yourself you fixed little Justin's problems and made everything all better?  
Brian: [speechless]  
Justin: Well, you can't fix this; no one can.  
Brian: So you're just going to quit.  
Justin: It's over, alright? Accept it! I'm not going to draw again! And no fucking electronic Crayola box is going to fix that! [strips] So want don't you come fuck me before I pass out.

Not an easy scene to watch but a well acted one - and very true to life. Justin's hurting. Brian wants to help and makes an extravagant gesture (without asking first, of course). Justin sees it as patronizing and more about Brian than him. He's drunk, so clearly he's not acting like he would if he was sober, but in vino veritas. He means what he says. Of the people Brian helps in this episode (Ted, Justin, Michael) the only one who totally misreads the situation is Justin.

That said, Justin's visit to the museum with Lindsay to meet the paralyzed artist is a fantastic scene - as is Justin staring at the painting she gives(!) him back at the loft. Wonderfully done. I know this discussion is about Brian, but I have to take this opportunity to say that Lindsay obviously cares about Justin - apart from Brian - and wants him to be happy and successful. I don't think there's anything nefarious or manipulative behind her gesture.

Back to Brian: He's at Mikey's apartment on the can. From the bathroom, he hears finds Debbie reaming out her son because he's following the dream she'd told him to get off his ass and follow. Brian comes out and tells her to back off.  
Deb: I should've know _you'd_ be involved.  
Brian: I had nothing to do with it.  
Deb:I've been hearing that since you were fourteen.  
Brian: It's _his_ life!  
Deb: Well, that's easy for you to say; you can pay your bills!

This is Deb's refrain when it comes to Brian. He's bad news, always has been, blah, blah, blah. She really doesn't like him very much, does she?

The most touching scene in the episode take place near the end. As I mentioned above, Justin's looking at the painting he was given by someone arguable much more disabled than him. Brian is in the shower. Justin approaches the computer; he's obviously curious to try it out. Brian emerges from the bathroom and wraps a towel around his waist. Justin watches as he gets one of his beloved green apples, lays down on the bed and starts peeling it. Inspired by the sight, Justin picks up the electronic pen and starts drawing. He's so engrossed that he doesn't see Brian glance at him, clearly surprised but happy.

Btw, Brian's pose mimics a classic pose used by artists down through the centuries. A famous example is [Grande Odalisque](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grande_Odalisque) by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack! I hate going so long between posts - especially when we have new commenters! - but I was distracted by distractions (as well as spending as much time outdoors before The Arctic Vortex hits D.C.)


	6. That Little Persistent Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 6

Ah, yes. The zucchini scene. It lurks in episode 6 in the vegetable aisle. If you haven’t watched the show recently, dig out your DvDs, blow off the dust, put in the Season Two disk, choose episode 6, and go to minute 11:46. If ever we needed proof that Brian is just a big doofus, it’s this scene. Too bad poor Justin interrupts the touching moment with a mention of coupons. Justin, laddie, have you misplaced your Brian Kinney Handbook? Coupons scream “coupledom!” (As well as OCD – don’t get me started on my mom and her coupon habit). That night, Brian takes really what can only be described as his revenge. It’s basically another “Hotlanta” scene. Justin walks in, clearly expected because of the apples . . . _really_ , Brian? Are you really that much of a dick? . . . lined up like breadcrumbs on the floor leading straight to Brian fucking the living baby Jesus out of zucchini guy. He smiles at Justin (and incidentally Daphne, too) with a “go ahead and do something about it, you little fool” grin. Justin’s own smile slides off his face. Not only has Brian hurt him, but he’s humiliated him as well. 

Back to square fucking one.

Okay, okay, okay. Yes, I know. Brian’s afraid of being in love, and the idea of being in a couple freaks him out, blah blah blah, but why on earth does have to be _such_ a fucking jerk? We’ve discussed whether Brian and Justin’s relationship is abusive. This scene goes in the “yes” column.

One of the reasons this scene is so painful is because just recently (maybe even the night before?) Brian had gone out of his way to show the Family that he sees himself as being in at least _some_ kind of relationship with Justin by kissing Justin quite passionately at the dinner table. With zucchini guy, Brian snatches back the little bit of love he’d shown. He’s embarrassed and afraid, and he takes it out on a teenaged boy. And then the next morning, he’s surprised Justin doesn’t want to give him a loving smooch . . .

. . . then comes Michael’s second most vicious moment (trumped only by his remark in Season Three, episode 1, that Brian should’ve left Justin to die). Justin leaves the diner, and Michael goes out of his way to follow him out to the street. Why? What is he hoping to achieve? Does he honestly want to “patch things up” between Brian and Justin, if so it fails cataclysmically by telling Justin the only reason why Brian is playing boyfriend is because he feels guilty over Justin’s bashing. When Justin turns away, hurt beyond belief, Michael calls weakly after him, saying that’s not what he meant. Bull shit, he didn’t. This is one of Michael’s lowest moments, and I don’t think it was a mere slip of the tongue. He’d been thinking about the Brian and Justin situation and rationalized it to himself by telling himself that Brian feels guilty, not that he’s in love.

That night, Justin asks Brian pointblank whether the only reason why Brian is letting him stay at the loft is because Brian feels guilty about the bashing. Brian doesn’t answer. He can’t answer. He’s done everything he could not to think about that question, let alone answer it for himself.

The next scene with Justin is when he shows up a Deb’s in the pouring rain asking her whether he can stay in his old room. It’s serious a serious lump-in-your-throat moment.

Deb goes on the fucking warpath. Who knows whether it’s the same night or later that week, Deb tracks Brian down at Woody’s and thus commences one of the most often quoted conversation of the show:

DEB: Hasn’t the kid been through enough without you causing him more pain?  
BRIAN: Stay out of it!  
DEB: The fuck I will! I care about him; all you care about is . . .  
BRIAN: . . . getting my dick sucked; I think that’s been firmly established. Now can we move on from there.  
DEB: Look, all I want is to . . .  
BRIAN: . . . interfere?  
DEB: You can call it whatever the fuck you want. I don’t want Justin hurt.  
BRIAN: Well, that’s life, isn’t it? Surprise.  
DEB: [laughing humorlessly] You think you’ve got everybody fooled, don’tcha? Well, not me, honey. I’ve known you too long and regrettably too well. And no matter how hard you try to deny it, I can tell you care as much about him as he does about you. Only you haven’t got the big, hairy cojones to say it.  
BRIAN: Well, maybe I could borrow yours.  
DEB: [again laughing humorlessly] Well, hey. Whatever it takes . . . to admit that you love him. And I know that you do. Despite all your efforts to never let another heart touch yours . . . that’s assuming, of course, you have one.  
BRIAN: [closes his eyes wearily]

DEB: That little, persistent kid has somehow gotten in under the wire. And that’s what’s happened, huh? Admit the truth. [whispering] You love him, don’t you.  
BRIAN: [looks away with no response]  
DEB: I thought so. Then tell him. Tell him what you could never say to Michael. 

Alright, you guys. Go nuts with that – especially the rather random mention of Michael, because what the hell? Deb should know by now that Brian didn’t say “I love you” to Michael because he didn’t love Michael “like that.” Michael wasn’t even in the running, so to speak.

The next time we see Justin, he’s making out with a cute guy at Babylon. Brian is watching him from the scaffolding above. It’s some really nice cinematography. The shot is chaotic, black and white. All we see of Brian is his eyes. They’re fixed on Justin. He’s getting his courage up to say what he does: he may’ve taken Justin in because he took a bat to the head, but that’s not why Brian wants him to stay. He wants Justin to come back and be with him because he cares about him [I’m filling in the blanks here]. He wants them to be something resembling a couple. This is The Big Moment because I don’t think Brian ever stops seeing them that way – as a couple – for the rest of the show. He can’t say the “C” word, but his actions always speak more straightforwardly than his words. It’s a Super Big Deal for Brian, but Justin is still angry. It’s not enough. He’s got rules: no second-times, no names or numbers exchanged, home by 3. And no kissing. We know he eventually breaks all them.

Dudes, it’s all a train wreck from here till the end of the episode. I think, as always, Brian said too little too late. As always, he’d hurt Justin too deeply to make things right with his cryptic words. As we quickly learn, words are all that Justin understands. Well, words, roses, chocolate and stinky cheese. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Off-Topic Notice: For those who don't yet know and have been following my stories on Midnight Whispers, I am no longer posting my stories there. They'll all be here on AO3.
> 
> Thank you so much to Kellankyle for loaning me her lovely gifs.


	7. Shit-Stirrer Extraordinaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 7

Hey guys, sorry for the lloonngg break. It's my (not so) favorite time of the year, and I've been distracted by stupid things that are so inconsquential and stupid that I won't bore you by listing them. Also, I must admit some trepidation. We're nearing some of the most difficult episodes for me to watch, and I'm dreading them a little bit since the holidays always guarantee a bipolar depressive episode . . . But hey, we're not there yet, so let's have some fun with episode seven in which Brian is a total shit-stirrer and lovin' every minute of it. 

He starts out with poor Emmett who's working his ass . . . er, make that his _dick_ . . . off for Ted's website while Ted's reaping all the rewards of Em's labor. Enter one, Brian Kinney. He throws a companionable arm over Emmett's shoulder and talks into his ear like the devil on one's proverbial shoulder. He points out Ted's new Rolex and wonders out loud where Emmett's is. He doesn't have one? Oh my, what a pity. Little Justin covers his eyes and shakes his head over his lover's shamelessness. Brian clearly doesn't believe in letting sleeping dogs lie.

Later, Michael introduces his new beau Ben to his buddies. Knowing that Ben and Brian fucked, I searched Brian's expression for recognition - arguably there was one, but I do wonder if the writers had that later plot in mind yet - anyway, it works. As does his expression when he hears the news that Ben's positive. But mostly, I think he's absorbing the realization that his best friend is fucking someone with HIV. 

The following morning finds the boys at the diner. Ted's freaking out about Ben being positive, fearful for Michael's health. What if a condom breaks? he asks. His question is followed by one of my very favorite Brian lines in the whole show:

MICHAEL: "I'm positive." It was the first thing out of his mouth.  
BRIAN: After your dick.  
TED: It's commendable that he told you, but that still doesn't change the fact that you're playing with fire. I mean, what happens if a condom breaks or he's flossing his teeth, and his gums bleed?  
BRIAN: Or what if he shoots his load, and you're bending over to tie your shoe, and it accidentally flies up your ass?

Hahahahahahahahaha! Brian is incorrigible.

Later, however, Brian's laid-back attitude disappears. Michael, he says, has no idea what the realities behind being positive are. It's messy and ugly and scary as hell. Does this qualify as "shit-stirring"? Maybe not, but it definitely stirs up Michael's feelings. No one, including his mother and best friend, are supportive of his new relationship.

And then, of course, there's Lindsay and Mel's "brunch" organized to convince Mr. and Mrs. Peterson that the lesbos are just like them. When Mrs. Peterson calls with a transparent excuse not to attend, Lindsay retreats to her bedroom depressed. Brian's having none of it. Wallowing is not something he admires. Accordingly, he's spiked the punch with E and everyone downstairs is having a damn good time. Lindsay goes back down and joins them . . . and then what happens? Her parents show up after all. God, her mom is a bitch! But her dad cracks me up - he's obviously not as ready to leave the party as his wife is. LOL!

 

It doesn't fit with the shit-stirring theme, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the memorable (uhm, for multiple reasons) scene in which Brian tells Justin never to let anyone fuck him without a condom. It's a wonderful scene (and an important one for the show - the U.K. version would've benefiting from a similar one), but it's also very romantic. Brian tells Justin that one of the reasons he should always insist that a partner wear a condom is because Brian wants him safe, because he wants Justin "around for a long time." One wonders why Justin didn't hear the implicit "because I love you" behind Brian's words. It's one of the many forehead-smacking moments between the two. Seriously? Is Justin really that dense? Apparently he needs the magical three words in sky writing before he can hear them, let alone believe them. On a lighter note, I love the playfulness between them. It gives us a glimpse of what things were like at least part of the time - fun as well as sexy. Let's also once again be thankful that Gale and Randy were comfortable enough with each other to make this scene, and others like it, work so believably. This was an important scene not to fuck up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shout-out to Kellankyle for the perfect gif.


	8. The First Broken Rule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 8

Hey guys! Wow, this “holiday” season is really inferring with my Brian obsession. Perhaps it’s a good thing that episode 8 isn’t _that_ momentous . . . except that it is, although not in an obvious way. I was wondering as I re-watched it for the zillionth time whether I picked up on the cues that things were about to go wrong with Brian and Justin. In hindsight, they seem obvious. First, there’s the foreshadowing by Brian’s trick right in the beginning who says that he used to have a “rule” arrangement with a boyfriend, but it didn’t work because “you never know who will come in – or who will go out.” Then there’s Justin’s poorly concealed distress when Brian shows no jealousy at the prospect of Justin possibly hooking up with a guy at Daphne’s party. How long has their arrangement been in place? Weeks? Days? Already it’s not working. Why? Because Justin never really wanted to play by his and Brian’s rules – he pretended to be okay with Brian’s announcement that he’s going to fuck whoever he wants whenever he wants (as long as it’s before 3 a.m.). But Justin is _not_ okay with it, and it is already apparent.

Then Justin breaks the “no kissing” rule. Brian doesn’t mention the rules when he finds out, but his expression has “betrayal” written all over it. If you have the DvDs, check out this scene – it’s at minute 37. Later, Ted makes a reference to the age discrepancy between Brian and Justin . . . judging from Brian’s expression, Ted hit a little too close to home.

Just a non-Brian aside: this episode contains both one of my favorite scenes and my hands-down most hated scene in the whole show: I love George, and I love how he showed up at Michael and Emmett’s apartment to apologize for treating Emmett like a hustler – and most of all I loved their “dinner date” of hamburgers in George’s limo. In my opinion, Emmett and George’s brief relationship is the most touching of any of the other relationships I can think of. The exception being possibly Ted and Blake’s.

As for the worst scene? I’ve watched it once and fast-forwarded it every time since. Justin with the boy he met at the party and whose virginity he took. He pulls a Brian Kinney on the poor kid, and it is ugly and horrible and upsetting. Justin is just not cut out for tricking, and this scene makes it obvious. That poor kid was so sweet, and Justin breaks his heart just like Brian had broken his. I feel sorry not only for the kid, but for Justin too. An open relationship is not what he needs and wants. But agreeing to one is the only way he can have Brian. As of episode 8, the scale favors Brian . . . but not for long.


	9. "Now, get the fuck out of my church"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 9

Hello, all! My apologies for the long absence. Amidst all the holiday hustle & bustle, I was in the hospital for a bit. Sadly, I didn't have my DvDs with me (or my computer) or I would've made a post in my paper pajamas. I can just picture it now: watching Brian fucking Reverend Butterfield in the patients' lounge. Who knows? I might've added some new voices to our discussion - or at least got some of them dancing to the thumba thumba of Babylon. Would've done us good.

Anyway, I'm back and ready to discuss our Mr. Kinney again. This is Season Two, episode 9. It's one of my favorites . . . wait, I think I say that every time. But it's true. I love this episode. Reverend Butterfield is one of my favorite minor characters on the show. Very much Brian's equal. (I always love characters who can stand-up to Brian and put the bastard in his place. It's good for him.) 

But underlying the interactions between Brian and the Reverend is another heartbreaking glimpse of what it was like for Brian growing up in his fucked up family. Brian's relationship with his mother seems more complicated than his relationship with Jack had been. Jack never loved Brian (at least not in any way that mattered), but it seems that Joan did. She alludes to their once having been close when she visits Brian with the cake (and subsequently meets Justin and realizes Brian is gay). When was that? And when did it end? Did things between them change slowly or did something suddenly happen? Whatever the answer is, Brian is clearly very angry at his mother. It's obvious that he feels she treated him badly.

And she's no more happy with him than he is with her. She says he's just like his father, derisive and selfish. He thinks he's so clever - so much better than everyone else. She can't depend on him any more than she could depend on Jack who "never gave [her] a kind word in thirty years." It seems that at one time, he was "hers" - her little boy - but then he changed and became more like his father (which must be hard for Brian to hear considering how scared he is of repeating his father's mistakes). Joan clearly saw Brian's "defection" as a betrayal especially since, as she says, she took blows from Jack that were intended for him. (A fact that Brian says he doesn't want to hear - it bothers him deeply. There's a lot he's been trying to repress over the years.)

Yet even though they clearly had a falling out, Joan is still proud of her "handsome, successful son." At least until she learns that he's gay. After that, he's another failure in her life, another dirty little secret just as Jack's drunken abuse had been. He's taken away the last source of pride in her world. He's betrayed her a second time. Now she only has God . . . and Reverend Butterfield (who is like a son to her).

But Reverend Butterfield is also gay. Brian knows because he'd had him at the baths. When Joan tells him he's going to hell, Brian is understandably _very_ tempted to tell her that so is her beloved pastor. Can you imagine? The news would crush his mother. But he doesn't. As Lindsay had asked him, why take away the one thing she has left? Her faith in her church. In her vengeful God. The Reverend thanks Brian at the end of the episode for not having outed him, but Brian tells him that he didn't do it for him; he did it for his mother. Of course, we know how he's repaid when in Season Three she tells him she hopes he rots in jail.

Brian loved his parents, and they let him down. He clearly would like to leave the past behind him, but there are still strong feelings behind his disdain. You can see it when he follows Joan to the door after she sees Justin. "Mom," he calls after her and then says "so, you're not going to talk to me?" It's a scene that had probably played itself out countless times in the past. He still wants her love - just as she clearly still wants his. But something tore them apart, and nothing will ever bring them together again. It's hard for me to picture a post-show reconciliation. What Joan said to Brian during the shit storm with Claire's son is unforgivable. Maybe another man could turn his cheek, but not Brian. Change as he does, I can't see him reaching a place of (relative) peace with Joan as he had with Jack. Despite all of Jack's neglect and physical abuse, Joan had hurt him deeper - first as a child and then again later as an adult.

I absolutely love the ending when Reverend Butterfield comes to Babylon and buys Brian (and Justin) a drink. I love the way he watches Brian and Justin dance playfully with each other. Maybe he knows Joan better than Brian does, but he also knows Brian better than Joan does. He sees something in Brian - something far from selfish. I also love how he smiles, clearly enjoying the whirl of Babylon just as much as he would enjoy a cathedral. For him, it's all good. Too bad it isn't for his church.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments over the past month! I'll be replying to all of them :) And thank you to KellanKyle for the gif.


	10. Feel What You Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 10

Interestingly, there’s not a lot about Brian in this episode, but there’s one scene that flawlessly, perfectly captures his philosophy on life . . .

Captain Astro is dead, and Mikey’s in deep mourning. When Deb finds out that he’s more upset about a comic book character than the boy who was found dead in a dumpster in back of the diner, she gives him (and the rest of the boys) a serious tongue lashing. She’s appalled and disappointed in him – a situation that understandably causes Michael much pain and confusion.

Later in the episode, Brian comes to Michael’s store, and Michael asks him if his priorities are fucked up because he cares more that Captain Astro died than the boy in the dumpster (or as Brian refers to him, Dumpster Boy)? Brian’s response is “so what if you do?” He tells Michael that he’s known and loved Captain Astro for his entire life and only “met” Dumpster Boy that morning. “Captain Astro was your hero,” Brian says. “So mourn him all you fucking want.”

This is Brian in a nutshell. In essence he’s saying “you feel what you feel.” What’s the point in feeling guilty about it? Will it bring the dead boy back to life? If not, then fuck it. Don’t force yourself to feel the way you’re “supposed” to feel. Be who you are. Fuck the rest of the world and their expectations. Guilt is a useless emotion. It only makes you feel worse than you already did. You are who are, and you feel what you feel. Let the rest of it go.

You know what’s funny about that? This is Buddhist philosophy in real, everyday words. I’m taking an introduction to Buddhism class, and we’re being taught the fundamentals of meditation. The purpose of meditation is to help you let go of suffering, which is essential to Enlightment (which I equate, perhaps naively, with “peace of mind”). Suffering comes from attachment – usually attachments that cause mental pain and discomfort like envy, fear, anger – and guilt. When we meditate, when we sit still with our minds, all sorts of shit pops up. Thoughts materialize unbidden, and those thoughts result in emotions, some of which are negative. Instead of feeling guilty about having those thoughts when we think we’re not supposed to, Buddhism tells us to just label them “thinking” and let them pass. In other words, don’t try to label your thoughts as “good” or “bad.” Just recognize that they are thoughts and be kind to yourself that you think them. Don’t chide yourself, don’t feel guilty or bad. Just say “hello” to your thoughts and feelings, experience them, and then let them go. The more you try to repress those thoughts and feelings, the harder it’ll be to let them go. Accept that they exist and know that they’re not real – that they are products of your brain. They are not truth, they are experience. And that’s okay.

In other words, feel how you feel and fuck the labels. You are who you are. Accept that and then move on.

If there’s one emotion Brian seems to hate more than any others, it’s guilt. He tells Michael to let it go. If he doesn’t, then he’s going to just make himself miserable.

Buddhism Brian-style.

If only he could live his own words. I think Brian’s full of guilt and grief that he tries to repress. He can’t let them go because he can’t/won’t acknowledge that they exist in the first place.

LOL! Listen to me getting all deep.

This episode is also the one in which Brian and Justin haggle over which man on Babylon’s dancefloor they’re going to bring back to the loft for a threesome. After the boy is found in the dumpster, Justin gets freaked out. What if the guy they’d brought home had tried to kill them? Brian points out that that’s part of the sexual thrill – not knowing whether something terrible is going to happen if you go home with a stranger.

But the episode doesn’t exactly end with Brian “winning” the argument. In the closing scene, Brian hooks up with a guy his size and build also dressed in leather (in other words someone potentially scary) and goes home with him. Justin gets upset and demands to know the guy’s name. He’s appalled when he realizes Brian doesn’t know it. Brian dismisses his fears and walks away with the guy. Note the cinematography – Justin watches Brian disappear into red neon and the steam from the city’s sewers seeping up from the ground. In other words, Brian is walking into hell. Along with the image we hear the lyrics of a song: “We’re out of control.”

It seems that that is precisely what Justin believes. That belief, as we know, has future ramifications.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Kellankyle for the custom-made gif!


	11. The Munchers Get Married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 11

Ah, the most depressing wedding ever. Well, not at the time, but later on when we see what a train wreck Mel and Linds become. This episode makes me sad every time I watch it – as in lump-in-the-throat sad.

But on to Brian . . . what is up with him? Does he _really_ want to go to the White Party instead of the wedding? Of course, part of him does, but his expressions make the choice look harder than his words suggest.

The glimpse into his and Lindsey’s relationship is very interesting. They both give each other what they want most. He wants her wedding to be special, and she wants him to go to the White Party and “fuck lots of beautiful guys.” If he stayed, she’d “lose all faith, and what kind of present is that?” No apologies. No regrets.

Am I wrong or is it only Linds who uses that phrase? Does Brian, himself, ever say it? I can’t think of an instance. My guess is that he said it once to her when they were in college together, and she latched onto it. It’s how she wants to see him. Loose and fancy-free. My guess (entirely speculative, of course) is that she thinks that him being unattached to someone else makes his attachment to her more important. They’re each other’s. Brian & Linds forever. It’s one of the reasons I think that her attitude toward Brian and Justin’s relationship is conflicted and ambiguous. She’s wants Brian to be happy – but not in a serious relationship with another person. His heart should belong to her. Justin is a third wheel. She’d probably never admit it – she probably isn’t even fully conscious of her feelings – but the hints are there. I don’t think she has bad intentions; I just think she still wants him, and that desire gets in the way of her hope for his happiness. As always, I feel sorry for her. She loves someone who loves her – but not in the way she wants. That kind of longing is hard to live with.

On an unrelated note: participation in this discussion has dropped off considerably. Would you guys like me to choose specific episodes you’d like to discuss? I don’t mind jumping around or we could stop looking at individual episodes and talk about big topics like the Ethan/Justin thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to Kellankyle for the perfect gifs - I especially love the second one. Gorgeous!!


	12. I Know Your Secret Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 12

AWKWARD!

The word pretty much sums up episode 12. First, there’s Ted over-enjoying his admission to the successful businessmen club. Then Deb confronts Carl loudly . . . although that’s nothing new. And then, of course, there’s the awkwardest of all awkwardness. Michael finds out that Brian fucked Ben.

At first, Michael seems pretty okay with things – although his nonchalance is a bit strained. It’s too bad Ben told him in front of everybody. Talk about a tight place . . . er, yeah. You know what I mean.

On to the serious stuff. The scene between Brian and Michael in Michael’s store is one of the most intense in the whole show. I’ve watched it many times, but I’m still not sure I understand what happened. Yes, I know Brian called Michael out on wanting to have sex with him (this is the first time, am I right?) Yes, I know Brian had basically decided to do it despite his better judgment (you can tell because he pauses before he locks the door – he knows this could be one of the worst things that ever happened to him). But what does he mean when he says “I know your secret identity.” What is he talking about? Is he saying he knows that Michael is more jealous of Ben for having sex with Brian than of Brian for having sex with Ben? Or is he saying that he knows Michael has the strength to say no? Please let me know what you think – this has been driving me crazy since I first saw the scene.

If I’m not mistaken, this is the moment when Michael really starts breaking away from his Brian worship. Telling Brian to leave was a _huge_ big deal for him. He’s wanted Brian since he was fourteen! But he turns him down – and not equivocally. He tells Brian to get out – not only of the store but out of the place Michael had held him for so long. It’s an exorcism. I think Brian is both surprised and relieved. If they’d actually had sex, it would’ve ruined their friendship and probably ruined Michael’s relationship with Ben. In other words, it would be a real nightmare. And God, can you imagine how Deb would react?! What a mess!

So, all of this is a good thing for everyone. If only things had ended here. I’m jumping ahead a bit, but one of the more disturbing scenes in Season Three is when Brian basically forces Michael to go to a sex party with him and then torments him by hooking up with one of the guys there, right in his face. It’s a cruel scene. I see it in two ways: first, I think it shows how seriously fucked up Brian got after Justin left him for Ethan, and I also think it was another shove-off-the-cliff. Brian was monopolizing Michael’s time because he was so lonely, and it was hurting Michael’s relationship with Ben. Brian knows he has to let Michael go, so he shoves him off a cliff like he always does. But it’s an unfortunate regression from the place Brian and Michael reach in this episode.

Back to Season Two. After the scene between Brian and Michael in the store, there’s a great scene between Michael and Ben, in which Michael confesses his feelings for Brian and his feelings of jealousy. Ben, in his awesome Ben way, tells Michael that it’s okay. They had lives before they met each other and people they loved – and still do – and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean they can’t love each other with equal strength. It’s so very . . . . healthy. LOL! How many times do we get to say that when discussing Queer as Folk? At the very end of the scene, Michael “hallucinates” Brian walking out the door. It’s a bittersweet moment – definitely a good-bye. But a necessary one. Still, it plucks at my heartstrings a bit.

Sooooooo . . . . . what do I think about all of this in terms of Brian? I think Michael feels genuinely relieved that he’s able to start putting his years-long crush behind him, but Brian seems ambivalent about the situation. Check out his expressions both at the store and then later when he and Michael dance at Babylon. Brian _knows_ how Michael has felt about him since the day they first met, and a big part of him has thrived on – and even exploited – Michael’s feelings. Not in an intentional, malevolent way, but Brian doesn’t know how to be not-wanted by people. His sexual magnetism is unquestioned – by both others and himself. He’s definitely relieved that Michael no longer desires him, but it’s not without some misgivings. He’s letting go . . . or rather being left. I think it rattles him. Besides his parents, has anyone ever “left” Brian before? Even just a little bit? Isn’t that one of the reasons he’s so wary about letting people get close? Because he won’t be able to handle it when they leave?

I also find the choice of music at the end very interesting (Kosheen's “Hide U"). As so often is the case, the lyrics in the final song always add a layer of nuance to the episode as a whole, sometimes in really depressing ways. I find the choice of music for the end of this episode deeply unsettling, but like Brian’s remark about knowing Michael’s secret identity, I’m not sure I understand the message it conveys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So based on feedback I got, I'm going to keep going episode-by-episode. Again, please join in. The more voices there are, the more interesting the discussion is.
> 
> Thank you to Kellankyle for the gif of poor Mikey.


	13. Little Justin Gets a Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 13 (and 12)

Okay. Episode 13. Let’s do it, but first . . .  
. . . remember our erudite discussion about episode 12 and the scene in Michael’s store in which Brian makes a sexual advance . . . Well, one interpretation went unmentioned until one of you troublemakers suggested it. Michael didn’t tell Brian to leave because he’d had enough of his obsession with Brian (although I think afterwards he realized that he has); he told Brian to leave because he was humiliated. You see, Brian made Michael come. It’s true. I’ve been over and over the scene nano-second by nano-second. Plus, it has the benefit of making perfect sense. We’ve heard over and over about the fact that Michael never got to “have sex with Brian” (meaning have an orgasm, “It’s not fucking if you don’t come”) because Deb walked in and interrupted them all those years ago. Well, it finally happens in episode 12. Brian finally makes Michael come – and quite quickly too. Hence the humiliation. Still in doubt? Watch the scene again. Brian doesn’t just grab Michael’s crotch, he rubs his dick. You can tell from the sound of Brian’s leather jacket creaking. His arm is moving. And that pause before Michael tells Brian to leave is the moment when they both acknowledge what has just happened. Then just before Brian goes, he reaches down to give Michael’s dick one last squeeze and makes a gesture with his fingers as though there’s something on them. And then, most telling of all, Brian smirks just as he opens the door to leave. If he’d really been hurt and shocked by being rejected by Michael, that little smirk makes no sense. He knows Michael just came, and he’s amused.

All of this said, it doesn’t change the fact that Brian came to the store spoiling for a fight and pissed off that Michael didn’t show up at Babylon. Then he’s even more annoyed when he realizes it was because of the jealousy bullshit. He’s sick of it. And that’s why he makes the advance. But I’m now convinced Michael came, which changes the whole idea that Brian was hurt. He’s not. He’s just a dick. And I say that lovingly. 

What’s really interesting (at least to me) is that I came to that very conclusion the very first time I watched that scene. In fact, I posted it about.

Anyway on to episode 13, which, in my opinion, is not terribly, super interesting when it comes to Brian. It’s much more of a growth episode for Michael and Justin. (Quick aside about Michael in this episode - I find it both interesting and disturbing that he chooses to believe his "father" died in Vietnam because that makes him a warrior/hero whereas his real father is "just" a drag queen. Imo, it's homophobic, which is a surprise coming from Deb. She'll talk the talk, but will she walk the walk? Michael's decision to believe the lie makes me wonder how much he may suffer from internalized homophobia. Sad, really. But then again, we know Michael has a preference for fantasy over fact . . . )

It’s in this episode that Brian first offers to pay Justin’s tuition, and Justin turns him down saying he wants to make it on his own . . . which he does by becoming a go-go boy. It seems like Brian is torn between admiring his initiative, disliking the “selling yourself” aspect of it (remember his encounter with Mr. Tyson?) and outright jealousy over the men ogling his boyfriend (yes, Brian, that’s what he is). Regardless, he’s not happy with the situation, but he’s not going to say anything. It’s Justin’s life and Justin’s decision to make.

Here’s the million and one dollar question: why does Brian want to pay Justin’s tuition in the first place? Pure generosity? Affection? Or an unconscious desire for “ownership”?

This episode also has the scene in which Brian and Lindsay play Mr. and Mrs. Kinney. If we ever doubted that Lindsay was – and still is – in love with Brian, this scene settles the question. Lindsay says she once used to fantasize that she and Brian would be married and have a family. She asks Brian is he’d ever considered the possibility, and he answers with a flat-out, unambiguous “no.” Poor Lindsay looks crushed. She wouldn’t look crushed if she wasn’t still in love with him. She looks so crushed, in fact, that Brian has to assure her that he loves her. Again, I feel for her. She had a dream. And now she’s making do with poor Mel. God, what a train wreck.

There are several great, sexy, little scenes between Brian and Justin. My favorite is the blow-job in the Jeep. But it’s followed closely by the “don’t step on my wontons” spanking scene. Fun and playful. There’s no sign of tension between them in this episode – or am I missing something?

Yeah. This gif. How could I resist it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The luscious gif is courtesy of Kellankyle.


	14. The Topping Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 14

Ah, yes. We come (ha ha) to it at last. The switching scene. Sadly, it’s the _only_ switching scene between Brian and Justin that we see on the whole damn five-year-long show. But more on that in later . . .

I love this episode and not just for The Scene. The three different story threads are all really strong, although I will say that Michael is not at his best. Brian pretty much sums up Michael’s situation when they’re in the Jeep when he says Michael is jealous of Carl because he used to be the center of his mom’s attention, and now . . . well, maybe they’re each slowly getting lives of their own. It’s not unreasonable that Michael should have a hard time dealing with it, but talking to the cop that pulled them over like a mouthy teenager? It’s a little much. That said, but for Mikey getting himself, Ted and Brian arrested we’d never have the jail cell scene which is one of my favorite scenes in the whole show. I laugh my ass off every time I watch it. I love Brian’s little smile and stifled giggle over the old drunk’s observations that Ted, Michael and Brian weren’t his idea of dream cellmates, as well as Brian’s offer to blow anyone who’ll get him a non-fat, triple-shot latte. I actually wish we had more scenes like that – just glimpses now and then of what “the gang” does when it’s just them (although Emmett’s absent in this one). As much as I love Brian and Justin and their story, I’m equally as intrigued by Brian’s own story separate from Justin. And it’s great just watching him having fun and being slightly goofy.

Okay, okay, enough stalling. So Justin _finally_ accepts Brian’s offer to loan him money for his tuition. The Sap’s party pushes him over the edge. Of course, it’s interesting that Brian tells him that “a man (aka “the best homosexual one can possibly be”) needs to know when to ask for help.” It’s ironic, of course, because Brian, himself, is pathologically unable to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered. It’s a classic case of “do as I say, not as I do.” It makes me think again that part of Brian’s attraction to Justin is the chance to create in Justin the man he that he wishes he could be. It’s almost like Brian’s given up on himself – he’s already damaged goods. But he sees Justin as still being able to make the right choices in life and become a better man as a result.

Speaking of choices: Brian becomes increasingly frustrated over the course of the episode that Justin won’t accept his help. He’s clearly trying his hardest not to nag, but his “daddy side” starts showing through. I love the scene when Justin’s still in bed while Brian’s getting ready for work. Brian tells him that soon he’s not going to need money for tuition because the “job” that earns it is going to cause him to drop out of school. Justin says that Brian sounds like his dad and then tells him to fuck-off. Whereupon Brian does exactly what any dad would do to his bratty teenaged kid – he takes away the duvet, turns on the alarm clock and moves it so that if Justin wants to turn it off he’s going to have to get his ass out of bed.

One quick aside: It’s unnerving watching Justin do coke (I’m assuming what’s the white powder is – either coke or crushed amphetamines, which isn’t much better). How different things are from the first night he met Brian when he nervously turns down Brian’s offer of drugs! Sex isn’t the only thing Brian’s teaching Justin – he’s teaching him about the club drug culture, or at the very least, exposing him to it. Ted, Emmett and Michael make several remarks about how Justin’s gone from a high school kid to a go-go boy snorting coke and blame it on Brian. The ick-factor is obvious to them. Once again, Brian’s “parenting” skills are under scrutiny. Arguably rightly so. Would Justin have been anywhere even remotely near a scene like the Sap’s party if he hadn’t met Brian? Yes, it’s clear Brian doesn’t like the Sap’s scene (he calls it sleazy) but arguably his lifestyle differs only in that it doesn’t involve nonconsensual sex. Otherwise it’s rather similar – drugs, booze, eye-candy and fucking (including orgies). I’m definitely _not_ saying Brian is like the Sap only that they come from the same world (and rule it in their own ways – the tension between them is obvious when the Sap tells Brian that his customers are his, not Brian’s).

Anyway. The switching scene. I love it. I love it to a ridiculous degree. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched it, but I’ll admit that if I had a dollar for every time, I could retire rich right now. It is _so_ satisfying to watch Brian get penetrated, and I’m not just talking erotic satisfaction – it’s provides a good, clear glimpse of Brian’s heart, of who he is. Most importantly, he’s acknowledging that it was very hard for Justin to accept his offer to pay tuition. Justin had viewed his refusal as a matter of pride, self-sufficiency and manliness. Having to ask for help – particularly Brian’s help – was difficult for Justin, and he likely views it as a step backward in his life. An acknowledgement that he can’t take care of himself. Brian sees all of this. It’s why he lets Justin top him. He wants Justin to feel like they’re equals. I think he also realizes how awful it would be for Justin – how humiliating it would be to him – if he refused. It’s a quid pro quo moment. Justin accepts Brian’s offer and Brian lets Justin fuck him. It’s as much a “business deal” as it is a sexual act. It also shows Brian’s ability to read the situation, to see all the nuances and potential pitfalls. 

Actually this is a theme for Brian throughout the whole episode. He psychoanalyzes Ted and his poor self-esteem, and tells Michael that his issue with his mother dating is a classic example of the Oedipal Complex. And he teaches Justin what makes a man. Justin, smart kid that he is, has figured out that Brian also equates being a man with being a top. So, Justin doesn’t just show his manhood by accepting help, he shows it by, not only becoming the top for a night, but making Brian a bottom.

I’m kind of all over the place with this analysis – it’s hard to stick with just one possible reading of this scene. There are so many of them, including Brian’s surprising willingness to open up to this degree, to make himself vulnerable. It’s clearly, at least in Brian’s eyes, a serious gesture of trust and affection. Does Justin see that? I don’t know. I think he does see the power exchange aspect of their switching, but I’m not sure that he sees the emotional aspect. Because it’s “just fucking,” right? It doesn’t mean anything. Hasn’t that been what Brian has always said? Why should it be different in this case?

But, of course, it is.

Okay, another million-dollar question: is this the first and last time Brian and Justin switch during the whole course of the show? If it’s _not_ then why don’t we get to see another scene like this one? I mean we see Brian and Justin fucking all the time, but we never again see them switch. I think that’s significant. I think there’s a reason we never see them switch again, but I’m not sure what that reason is. If it wasn’t a big deal, then there would’ve been at least another switching scene. The fact that there isn’t becomes – simply by its absence – a big deal. At the very least it begs the question why. Interestingly, Randy thought the lack of switching was evidence of the wrongness of Brian and Justin’s relationship. He views it as unnatural and even a sign of emotional abuse. I don’t see that, but it is interesting that Brian is the only one to top, and most of the time, he’s the only one getting blown. How often does he reciprocate? I can think of only one instance in Season One when Justin blows him and then Brian tries to return the favor much to Justin’s annoyance because he’s trying to do his homework.

Anyway, let me try to sum up my thoughts as coherently as possible. Brian lets Justin top him because he wants to “even the playing field” after Justin accepted his offer to pay tuition. And I think that’s also why Justin wanted to top. It’s an issue of power and equality. I also think it was significant that Brian “gives in.” I see it as a sign of his deepening feelings for Justin and commitment to their relationship. He’s also telling Justin that he trusts him. But I also think it’s both telling and strange that this is the only time they switch in the entire show. Does that mean it’s not happening? I don’t know, and I’m open to all interpretations, but my gut feeling is that it doesn’t happen again. But why? Did Justin shatter Brian’s trust irreparably when he left him for Ethan? I don’t know, and I’m _very_ curious to hear what you guys think, so fire away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perfect gif by the mistress of gifs, Kellankyle
> 
> There's an mpreg fic based on this scene if any of you are interested in sticking your toe into that genre. [Knocked Up](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3406145/chapters/7456715) by Maggie Maybe


	15. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 15

Here we are. The episode that contains the second most unwatchable scene in the show (the first being the scene when Justin pulls a Brian Kinney on that poor kid from Daphne’s party). Brian pissing on Justin and Michael comics. Literally (and, yes, figuratively too). But let’s back up . . .

The episode starts out with a scene of Brian and Justin at the diner “battling” each other with silverware. It’s about a second long, but it’s meaningful. Brian and Justin doing something intimate that doesn’t involve sex! There’s a casual familiarity and friendship in that little glimpse that we rarely get to see. 

It sets the stage.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know this episode is all about jealousy – hell, Brian even admits it at the end. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he and Justin have _something_ that Brian has come to rely on. He has come to expect a certain amount of attention from Justin.

The same is true for Michael; it always has been. Brian has ceded partial “ownership” of Michael to Ben, but Mikey is still his; like Justin, he expects a certain amount of attention from Michael. 

So Brian is so full of shit when he pretends to be glad that Justin and Michael have something to bond over other than their obsession him. In actuality, he feels threatened and excluded, something he’s obviously not used to and doesn’t know how to handle. The irony, of course, is that Justin and Michael _are_ bonding over Brian – and more specifically their hero worship of him.

Okay, does anyone else find the whole “Rage” thing creepy as hell? Can you imagine creating a comic book hero out of your partner – and then turning your relationship into a commodity to be bought and consumed by hundreds of random strangers? I don’t get it. Also, the hero worship thing is pretty out of control. Justin is no longer a starry eyed kid, and Michael is a thirty year-old man. Haven’t they realized yet that Brian is an actual human being and not a fantasy? Some kind of projection of their desires and ideals? It’s kind of fucked up.

Anyway, back to the jealousy. Brian’s not only jealous over Justin and Michael’s averted attention, he’s jealous of their joint project. He’s left out. Suddenly the comic is more important to Justin than coming home at 3 a.m. or having sex. (The scene in which Brian starts rimming Justin only to have Justin fall asleep is interesting in that regard: Michael called to discuss an idea with Justin, and Brian hangs up on him. Justin’s mad, saying his and Michael’s conversation was important. Brian starts kissing him and says “so is this.” It’s another “we’re a couple moment” that Justin totally misses.)

Ben stokes the embers (why, btw?) by describing the creative process that Michael and Justin are sharing as more intimate and meaningful than sex. He goes on and on about orgasms and how he and Brian have been “stood up” by their partners. Which is a nightmare for Brian because that’s all he has to offer – sex. He gets obviously wound up, and then he returns home to find Justin and Michael sleeping in his bed.

He completely loses it. As is totally, completely, utterly loses it. He tears down all the comics. If you can bear to watch this scene, check out his expressions. He is _pissed off_. Have we seen Brian this emotional before? I’m trying to think of an example and can’t come up with anything. He’s out of control (and hopefully drunk) which explains why he takes out his dick and pisses with a groan of satisfaction on a drawing of . . . . himself.

I have to watch that scene through my fingers, and not just because of the pissing-on-the-drawing part. It’s disconcerting to see the Brian Kinney we’ve come to know get so bat shit. It’s startling. One wonders what would’ve happened if Justin and Michael had woken up and seen him like that. It would’ve definitely been an eye opener for them!

The next morning finds Brian at the diner reading the paper when Michael and Justin come in and yell at him. After they leave, Deb sums up the total twistedness of the “Rage” situation by telling Brian that Michael and Justin “worship the ground he walks on.”

The final scene at the loft involves an unusually candid apologetic statement from Brian, which totally surprises Michael. He’s never heard Brian be so reasonable before and wonders aloud why he likes the old, asshole Brian Kinney better. Why? Because that’s the Brian Kinney he worships, that’s why.

In Brian’s mea culpa he acknowledges clearly and directly to Justin that his actions were based on jealousy – you can tell it’s very hard for him to admit that fact. It says a lot about how much he feels for Justin. Does Justin hear that? Is that why they do that little “bumping elbows” thing at the end (see the gif below)?

Alright, to sum up. Yes, Brian is an asshole in this episode as well as a bit of a psycho. There’s A LOT of . . . well, rage built up in that man (which, btw, is not necessarily a great thing to worship about someone – it’s more of a fault than a strength as well as sign of deep unhappiness). There’s no whitewashing that, but even more disturbing and problematic than the pissing-on-the-drawing thing is Michael and Justin’s hero-worship, which Brian totally basks in once he figures it out. Dysfunctional relationships alert!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I am so far behind in responding to comments that it's ridiculous. My apologies - I've been on a writing binge recently. Speaking of which, I wrote a story based on our conversation about the previous discussion on episode 14. [The Gift](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3441080). Thank you for all your inspiration :)


	16. Justin's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 16
> 
> Btw, I just wanted to tell you guys how HAPPY I am that our discussion seems to have risen from the near-dead. Welcome new people and thank you, veterans!

Since I don’t watch the Ethan episodes very often, I forgot how many unwatchable scenes there are in Episode 16. Ben humiliating Michael at his surprise party; Ted getting dumped because he owns a porn site; Brian getting Justin a hustler, and the final scene in which Justin is mooning over Ethan’s music while Brian very purposefully decides to not buy him roses. Oh, and I forgot the diner scene in which Michael eats his cereal like a gorilla.

All aboard! The train’s leaving the Ethan station!

The stage is being set for Justin to cheat on and then dump Brian. We’re definitely encouraged not to blame Justin for growing disenchanted. Brian is a dick . . . well, actually he’s just being Brian – the same guy Justin placed on a pedestal and worshiped. Turns out that Brian-being-Brian isn't someone Justin wants.

I have mixed feelings about this episode. On the one hand, in all the scenes we see Brian in, he’s being defiantly shitty, and on the other hand, Justin is being a doormat and arguably getting what he deserves for not demanding more.

The worst scene in which Brian is being shitty doesn’t even involve Justin. He and Michael are walking after Ben flipped out over his surprise party. Michael is totally justified in being upset - Ben, his supposed partner, had humiliated him. When Michael tries to vent with his “best friend,” Brian’s response is to get off his pity-potty and deal with the fact the Ben is a real person, not a hero (irony alert). You’re all going to say “well, that’s Brian telling it like it is.” Yes, it’s perfectly in character, but why is he so fucking insensitive all the time? What if Michael had told Brian to get off _his_ pity-potty when he came to Michael’s apartment and cried about his dad? Yes, honesty is essentially a good thing, and being honest with your friends is (most of the time) doing them a favor, but _really?_ Michael just got kicked in the teeth, and Brian basically tells him to shut up and then gives him a sanctimonious lecture? What a dick! Honesty can come the next day when a wound is less raw.

The question in this episode is whether Brian truly doesn’t give a shit about other people’s feelings or is he just too wrapped up in Being Brian to show a bit of kindness?

I’m going to say it’s the latter, but if we didn’t get any behind-the-scenes glimpses at the emotional struggle Brian goes through, I’d say he doesn’t give a shit, and that’s what the people around Brian see. They don’t see what we do and thus don’t know what we do. They should be forgiven for thinking he’s got a heart of stone.

Lindsay really lets him have it when she and Mel come to the loft to take Justin to Ethan’s concert. Why can’t he view Justin’s birthday as an accomplishment worth celebrating given how hard he fought to survive and recover from the bashing? If Brian loves Justin so much, Lindsay says, he’d do something for Justin’s birthday. Brian, of course, just ignores her, but after she leaves, we can tell from his expression that Lindsay had made an impression. He knows she’s right, so what does he do while Justin is at the concert? He hires a hustler as a surprise gift for when Justin gets home. Justin is SO excited when he realizes Brian has done something for his birthday. It's horrible watching the excitement melt off his face when he sees Brian’s “surprise.”

(Btw, check out Brian’s expression when Justin walks over to the bed and starts pulling off the ribbon – it’s classic Gale. Brian is no longer smiling. He’s regretting his decision for probably a zillion, inscrutable Brian-type reasons).

After the hustler scene, Mel lays into him. She tells Brian to do something romantic for Justin – like buy him roses. Predictably, Brian scoffs at the idea calling it heterosexual bullshit. Mel tells him to get over himself just for once. She tells him that Justin needs to know how Brian feels about him. Brian’s response? “I thought he did.”

Uh-oh.

I see Brian’s inability to show Justin even a tiny romantic gesture in this episode as being similar to his near-inability to apologize in the previous episode. Both come from the same place – Brian’s terror regarding his overwhelming feelings for Justin. In the previous episode, apologizing would entail revealing his jealousy, and in this episode, doing something romantic for Justin on his birthday would be revealing his love. He can’t deal with it. Moreover, his feelings for Justin are conflicting with his value system, which requires rejecting any and all displays of anything that could be construed as traditionally heterosexual. He’s trapped between a Scylla and Charybdis of his own making. On the one side there’s his fear of making himself emotionally vulnerable, and on the other there’s his determination to fight the status quo and be his own man. If he were a stronger, braver man, he would’ve done what Odysseus did and charted the perfect course between them. But he doesn’t seem to. He doesn’t even seem to _try_.

We, the viewers, however know that Brian _was_ trying to be romantic when he got Justin the hustler. For Brian, tracking down a trick who looks like someone he lusts after would be the perfect gift. I think he thought he was showing Justin his love – just as Lindsay had told him to. Of course, as we know it just makes the whole situation worse.

It’s not fair to be annoyed with Justin. He can only see what Brian lets him see, and the only thing Brian lets him see in this episode is that he doesn’t give a shit about either Justin’s birthday or his wishes. It’s not really fair to blame Justin for starting to get fed-up with the situation. But that’s where the rational part of my brain is overcome by the part that’s screaming, “Don’t hurt Brian, you little shit!” It’s the problem I have with all of the Ethan episodes. I totally understand and applaud Justin’s decision to ditch Brian – at least the rational side of me does. Justin’s decision to leave becomes an issue of basic self-respect. But my poor heart breaks for Brian, who, though perhaps ineptly, really _is_ trying to get things right.

As an aside, there’s one of those moments in this episode when Brian “talks” about his childhood with Justin. Justin is about to leave with Mel and Lindsay for the concert, and Brian asks Justin why his father had never taught him how to tie a tie (a huge suspension of belief is required to believe that Justin, after years of wearing a school uniform, doesn’t know how to tie his own tie). Justin replies snarkily that it was because he was too busy kicking Justin out of the house and kicking the shit out of Brian. Brian, who’s carefully tying his tie, says, “Don’t worry, mine was too busy regretting I’d been born.” It’s a helpful reminder of why we shouldn’t go too hard on Brian. It’s not a given that a man who sincerely believes his parents wished he didn’t exist is going to grow up to be healthy and well-adjusted emotionally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a comment from one of you guys. I'm sharing it with you because I think it's a powerful rejoinder to my oft-asserted theory that Brian is a misogynist. I think the author managed to change my mind. I know a lot of you have argued against me, but the reason why I'm citing this particular comment is because the author laid it out so succinctly and cited particular examples. Reading these comments was like standing in a boxing ring with a champ and getting pummeled from every side . . . in a good way, of course!!
> 
> On the thought/opinion that Brian is misogynist:  
> I don't see Brian as a misogynist in any way. I think he applies the same "rules" for contempt to men and women alike. It is not the gender that earns his contempt, but the role that the object of it takes in life and it's true that many times the result falls heavier on women than men, but then that's a true reflection of life as that is a role that society historically has delegated us.  
> What Brian scoffs at is any person accepting the rules and limitations society dictates of "us", eg.  
> \- women who accept the role of being less, worth less, in demanding their space in the world, in education and pay  
> \- women who accept the role as the passive, old time heteronormative, penetrated partner by default  
> \- anyone who takes on and hides behind their role as a victim  
> \- gay men and lesbian women that accept the hate directed toward them  
> \- gay men and lesbian women who lives a Stepford life to reduce friction in life  
> \- men in power who assume this role strictly because of their genitalia and/or hue of skin  
> \- elders who demand respect to be given simply because they are elders  
> \- gay men living straight life, even when the choice to do so was made early in life and they've long since realized their true orientation.  
> \- gay men and lesbian women in the closet  
> \- anyone who try to hide behind something they attribute as being more e.g. religious, a top, straight, dominant etc.
> 
> There are many people and situations in the show that reflect [Brian's respect for women]:  
> \- he respects Cynthia for taking her space, for calling him out on things when needed and reminding him of her worth when needed  
> \- he respects Deb for being a single mother, embracing (and going 'slightly' over board) with her acceptance of anything LGBTQ and the fact that she has chosen a harder road to travel earns her his forgiveness when she falls short  
> \- early Jennifer earns no other respect than that of being Justin's mother, it is first when she backs up her willingness to understand Justin (trip to the shrink etc.) by separating, then divorcing Craig that she earns esteem in his eyes and more so when she later on sets aside her own pain and fears to give Justin what he needs at the time (him; Brian).  
> \- he respects Melanie for taking her space, both in life and in career. It is when she falls short and/or tries to hide behind her "dykedom" that he scoffs.  
> \- he respects Lindsey for taking a harder rout in life, but scoffs at her inability to embrace her worth and her need to seek validation from people proven not worthy, like her family. He doesn't grudge her for her Sam episode because she took what she wanted and needed at that time, but he doesn't approve of her holding on to her dyke label because it's easy and he doesn't approve of her going behind Melanie's back simply because she shouldn't have had to.
> 
> Some more points . . .  
> \- Marvin Telson earns no respect, rather hidden contempt and amusement, when trying to exert his power with his business, age, color and knowledge of Brian's orientation.  
> I think Brian finds it amusing that a man so readily taking the easy rout tries to claim power, when Brian is open with who he is and his motives behind humoring Marvin. His "Your visit to Queerworld is over Marvin..." is a clear example of what he really thinks about him and leaves the question of who's really on 'top' throughout it all (and it ain't Marvin).  
> \- Michael earns Brian's scoffs whenever he's taking an easy way or hiding behind something he's not.  
> The examples are so many.  
> \- the trick in 1x05 lose Brian's interest the moment he tries to assert his (temporary) place in Brian's loft (which assumes a familiarity not given) and Brian calls him out on being out of place and adds a bit of contempt with "Yeah, you're the bottom, remember". Not his contempt of anyone being A bottom, but the fact that the same trick has earlier tried "...and I'm a top" i.e. tried to hide/gain something by assuming a label.


	17. Crazy About Meta but Even More Crazy About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boring Host blah-blah.

This discussion has a few new, awesome, super-intense participants with whom I'm having tons of fun blah-blahing about all sorts of stuff that might seem like pompous gibberish (as a couple people have emailed to tell me). I love meta. I majored in literature and got a (completely useless from an employment perspective) M.A. in literary theory so I'm feeling like a pig in poo and writing replies of epic length full of tedious jargon. PLEASE don't think those are the only kinds of conversations I want to have here! Everyone should feel 101% welcome because you are.

I also wanted to tell/remind everyone that I'm a lawyer and as such am pretty forceful when I express my opinions - it's something I try to be aware of, but can't always avoid. Know that if I take what feels like a bullying tone that it's not what I want or intend. It's just my way of presenting the ideas I believe in. I can't tell you how many times over the past year that people have changed the way I perceive things and made my previous strident opinion sound silly. I LOVE that! Always feel free to take me on about anything, and if my tone offends you, please tell me. Don't be like Justin and slink away without calling me out on my shit ;)

Plus, along those lines, for the sake of argument and ease, I often use wild generalizations. For example, I've been talking a lot lately about "straight women" and "Britin fans" and their way of interpreting certain things. When it comes down to an individual level, my generalizations are total BS. Just assume that when I'm using a generalization, I'm doing it for simplicity's sake and not because I'm nagging individual people or putting down their perspectives.

One last thing on a very personal level: This discussion is important to me, and I want it to be inclusive and fun for everyone because, at the end of the day, that's what this is about - having fun and bouncing around thoughts and ideas. Life's been . . . well, I'll just use that lame word, challenging for the past year. I had to leave a city I loved and had lived in for a long time as well as my job and friends and entire urban lifestyle. Since then, I've been unemployed, stuck out in the burbs where I don't feel at home, and, yes, lonely. You guys help me feel connected to the world. You're all very important to me (yes, lurkers, you too - I see the kudos and hit counts).

Okay, back to Brian and that little twat . . . er, I mean sweet Sunshine . . . who's in the process of pushing him under a speeding bus headed for Ethanville.


	18. "You've Got a Week to Show Me Why I Shouldn't Fire You, Too."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 17

I’m planning a trip to Utah with my husband and a trip to Eastern Europe with my best friend and am in a super great mood, so I thought it was a good time to roll up my sleeves and dig into the whole Justin/Ethan thing.

Okay, so . . . God, episode 17 starts off with one of the most ridiculous exchanges between Brian and Justin ever, which is saying something because, man, do they have some ridiculous exchanges over the years. Brian’s horny (surprise, surprise) and tells Justin he wants to fuck him all night long and then kisses him passionately. Justin’s response? Doesn’t Brian ever get enough sex? Why can’t they wait till the weekend? Huh? So Justin’s down on fucking now? Or, as one of you suggested in the discussion on the last episode – is Justin just setting Brian up to fail? Is he waiting for Brian to say, “I’m sorry, honey. You’re right. We have sex too much. How about we go home and snuggle-wuggle”? Seriously, how does he think Brian is going to respond? The game is on. Justin’s about to put all of his formidable focus and energy into changing Brian.

Meanwhile, Brian goes bumbling along, totally oblivious to the coming bullshit while Justin plays him like . . . well, like a violin.

Now let’s talk about the damn snowboarding trip to Vermont. This is the moment I fell of the Justin bandwagon and wasn’t able to scramble back on again until well into Season Three. I remember watching this episode for the first time and almost falling off the couch when Brian offers to take Justin to Vermont for a week of snowboarding (Snowboarding? Brian, snowboarding? Can you picture Brian falling on his ass because he would – one doesn’t become an awesome snowboarder in a week.) I was in shock. It was pretty much the last thing I thought Brian would say. And it was pretty much the last thing in the world he would’ve done before falling in love with Justin. Yes, they don’t end up going, but just the fact that Brian wanted to go and obviously had made all the arrangements and paid for them is HUGE! I don’t blame Justin at all for being disappointed, but he couldn’t see the offer itself for what it was – another “I love you.”

The whole thing ends up as punishment for Brian, which, as we know, makes him withdraw into the shell he’d peeped out of. Like the prom, I’m betting he ended up asking himself why he’d thought even making the offer in the first place was a good idea. He gets a gold-plated smack down. 

Alright, back to the chronological approach.

Setting: The Diner  
People Present: The boys  
Second Jaw-dropping thing Brian says in the first 5 minutes of the episode: He “let” (I love his use of the word “let”) a trick rim him for 45 minutes.

Okay. Is it just me, or does anyone else have a hard time believing Brian “lets” himself get rimmed? I don’t have a hard time believing he rims his tricks, but vice versa? Why do I find it so difficult to imagine? Serious question! That said, his whole description of his session with the trick is pretty outrageous and hilarious. (“I fuck him so long, he passed out. I’m surprised he’s up walking around.”) So maybe he’s just saying it all for effect. The boys are certainly impressed!

But let’s talk about something serious. Brian’s career. Watching him interact with Gardner Vance is so telling. He’s cool, calm, dismissive and totally unflappable. It’s pretty damn impressive. Where does it come from? Brian’s not Kip. He didn’t walk in the door at his first job and expect things to be handed to him on a silver platter. He worked his ass off. How do we know? Because the last thing Brian would ever allow himself to be is an empty suit. He knows what a bag of hot air is – in fact, he grew up in the same house as one. Jack Kinney is bullshit personified. All talk and no follow-through. Brian was obviously paying close attention and taking detailed notes. There’s no way he would act as arrogantly as he does if he didn’t _know_ in his bones how fucking good he is at what he does.

Brian, for all his feigned insouciance, is a good, old-fashion grind. He studied like crazy and got the best grades. He did everything he could do to get into a top college. He tracked down everyone he could think of who might be able to help him get a good, solid start with his career – and he didn’t stop there and rest on his laurels. He’s worked hard, not to be good or even really good; he’s worked hard to be the _best_. So when he walks into a boss’s office, he can say with all confidence that he’s hot shit because he is, and he’ll prove it again and again and again.

People always talk about Justin being the tenacious one, but tenacious is Brian’s middle name when it comes to being the absolute undisputed best at something, whether it’s his profession or his fucking. He’s a pit bull. We can legitimately criticize Brian for all kinds of things, but the man can’t be accused of doing things half-assed. Heck, even the Vermont trip is classic Brian Kinney extravagance. Forget a mere weekend. Brian is going to take Justin to Vermont for a whole week!

Justin doesn’t get this – even though Michael (yes, Michael!) tries his best to explain it to him. Brian _needs_ to be successful at being an ad executive in the same way that Justin _needs_ to be an artist. It’s just that the latter is more respected than the former. Justin doesn’t get it. And even worse, he doesn’t get it that Brian is going to lose his damn job if he can’t prove his worth in a week’s time. Imagine how that must feel for someone who’s worked so fucking hard to be made to sing for his supper! Yes, it’s a job – and yes, as Brian says, it’s money (which pays for everything Justin needs in life), but it’s also his pride. Being laid-off like his fellow employees for whom he shows nothing but disdain would be a savage blow to Brian’s self-esteem.

Justin doesn’t get that. When Brian says he can’t go to Vermont, he tries to explain why. Justin doesn’t get it. When Justin bitches behind Brian’s back to Michael, and Michael tries to make him understand the context of Brian’s actions, he still doesn’t get it. So, he goes by himself. It’s the vindictive act of a spoiled child. If I were Brian, I would’ve dumped his ass posthaste. But he doesn’t. It’s Justin who dumps him.

Now to be fair, Brian is unbelievably shitty at explaining the situation. He’s insensitive and inflexible. He comes across as cold and unfeeling. Why? Well, as we know, Brian is sensitivity-challenged. But also I think he values straight-forward honesty. If he were in Justin’s shoes, he wouldn’t want Justin to sugarcoat and tip-toe around the situation. The situation is what it is. It sucks. This isn’t how Brian wanted things to go, but they did. As Michael says, Brian is just being Brian.

You can see the coin drop in Justin’s brain when Michael says that if Justin wants a boyfriend who wants to stay home and gets jealous and does stereotypical romantic things, then, well, he should probably look elsewhere. Suddenly it clicks. The man Justin wants is not the man he has. So, what does he do? He punishes Brian for being Brian. It’s like shooting a tiger because it’s not a vegetarian. 

The last scene in which Brian walks into the loft and says yet another unimaginable thing (“Your partner just made partner!”) only to be greeted with silence is so painful to watch. So is the way he’s humiliated by having to learn from the boys where his boyfriend is. I know people get pissed at him for not following Justin or at least calling, but Brian doesn’t chase after people. We saw it earlier when Vance, after shooting down all of Brian’s arguments for keeping him, asks Brian if he can think of a reason for not firing him. Instead of begging and fawning, Brian just looks at him and shrugs. “Not one,” he replies and walks out.

Vance is like Justin in a way. Both men want Brian to jump through hoops to prove his worth to them. Impress me, give me what I want, or you’re fired. Brian saves his job, but at the same time he digs his grave with his boyfriend, who’s already looking for an excuse to push him in and start shoveling on the dirt. Vance wanted an excuse to fire Brian, and Justin wants an excuse to break up with him. I have nothing but sympathy for Brian in this situation even if he is being his usual, blunt, insensitive self.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply to comments these days. I've been completely consumed by planning my upcoming vacations. Everything's done now though - plane tickets bought, hotels booked, etc. etc. - so I'm back in the saddle again and will pick up where I left off.
> 
> A shout out to KellanKyle for the custom-made gifs!


	19. "You're Too Old to Fuck Around"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episode 18

Before I launch into my brilliant insights on Episode 18, I want to shamelessly pitch a story I wrote. [The Canary In The Coal Mine](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3662835/chapters/8095653). It’s based entirely on our discussion of Episode 17. Honestly, you guys? Only about 10 percent of it came from my original thoughts – everything else is thanks to you. When I finished writing, I had a very different view on pretty much everything. I am _super_ pleased with how it turned out, and I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you!!

So . . . . . The way I see episode 18 is based entirely on the perspective that emerged from writing my story. It’s not easy for me to say this – but Justin and Ethan’s developing love affair is not only inevitable, but totally justified and healthy (to the extent that rebound relationships are ever healthy). Brian and Justin are not only not on the same page with each other, they’re reading completely different books. Justin’s is a passionate romance novel, and Brian’s is a guide on how to be totally oblivious and vaguely threatened. 

I honestly don’t think that Brian is trying to be a jerk, but he DOES put people in the position of being doormats if they don't really push back hard. Justin arguably pushed back when he went to Vermont, but for the most part, he's resentful but not communicative. His way of "communicating" is to alter the terms of their relationship without telling Brian. But it makes sense. Justin is lonely and feeling unimportant to Brian (aka a doormat). Suddenly he meets someone who wants to talk with him – someone his own age who’s also an artist and who also is exploring what it means to be gay and what kind of relationship he wants to be in. Ethan tells Justin he had a boyfriend who did the clubbing thing, but he’d grown sick of it. He’d realized he wanted someone to spend quiet time with – someone with whom he shared interests, hopes and desires. Justin is that person, and he and Ethan have met at exactly the precise moment when Brian is caught up in his job. Justin and Brian are on two different planets that are on a collision course, and neither one of them is to “blame.”

That said, it’s very hard to watch a strong, proud, well-intentioned man get emotionally blindsided just when he’s starting to peep out of his shell. Brian Kinney doesn’t get blindsided by anything – which is one of the reasons why Ryder’s decision to sell the company is so distressing to him. It’s not only about his career – it’s about his confidence that he can see things coming and come up with a plan to protect himself. He doesn’t see Ethan coming. Should he have? Should he have realized that rejecting Justin’s picnic-on-the-floor attempts would drive Justin into someone else’s arms?

As for Justin’s cheating: I don’t think Justin feels all that guilty about it because he feels that Brian is cheating on _him_ every time Brian fucks another guy. Justin has either forgotten that Brian’s tricking is meaningless when it comes to their relationship, or in his heart of hearts, Brian’s tricking has _always_ felt to him like cheating. I think it’s a combination of both. Actually, I don’t think Justin ever truly feels that Brian isn’t cheating on him when he has sex with other guys, even when he’s trying hard to pretend otherwise. Justin views and experiences sex very differently than Brian does, and he’s far less able to compartmentalize his life than Brian is. I think that he wants it that way – that he considers his attitude a virtue and Brian’s attitude a fault that’s a result of emotional immaturity.

It makes me think of the exchange between them when Brian says he wants to go to Babylon rather than have a candlelight picnic:

BRIAN: You’re too young to settle down.  
JUSTIN: You’re too old to fuck around.

But enough about the train wreck that is Brian and Justin’s relationship. This episode is actually more about Michael and Brian’s friendship. Brian shows a deeply caring side of himself. Michael needs him, and Brian drops everything – including an important meeting with a potential client. In other words, Brian does for Michael what he had not done for Justin. (Although, what was at stake in the two situations were vastly different, but still . . .) Take away message: if you _need_ Brian, he’ll be there for you come hell or high water. But if you _want_ something from him, you’re on shaky ground indeed.

The scene with Brian and Michael at the hospital is deeply moving. Brian even chokes up when he tells Michael that he’s strong enough to be there for Ben, because he was Brian’s rock after Justin was bashed. Brian’s faith in Michael renews Michael’s courage and faith in himself. It’s something that Brian is very good at – he reminds people of their abilities and capacities and assures them that things really _will_ be alright.

In the case of Michael, Brian knows with complete clarity what he needs to do to show his love and support. In the case of Justin, he seems to have no clue. And it doesn’t help that Justin has changed the rules without giving him a heads-up. One of you mentioned during an earlier discussion that the picnic thing was a trap of sorts that Justin suspects (or should suspect) that Brian is going to stumble into. But at this point, he’s started looking for confirmation that Brian isn’t right for him, so the fact that Brian fails actually makes life easier for Justin. His decision to be with Ethan becomes Brian’s fault. Justin ends up with Ethan because he wants to be with Ethan, but there’s also an element of punishment – he’s angry that Brian isn’t passing the tests Justin presents him with.

For all his cluelessness (and arguable insensitivity), I love Brian in this episode. He really shows his capacity for love, generosity and even tenderness. It’s striking that he reveals these things to Michael – it’s something he’s done before (his father’s death) and he continues to do over the course of the show. Arguably he reveals far more of himself to Michael than he does to Justin – at least during this time in the show. One wonders whether Justin would be so harsh on Brian if he’d known how Brian dropped everything to be at Michael’s side. Or would he be jealous?

On a lighter note: the “Eat the Meat” scene in Babylon’s backroom is hilarious! Although less hilarious is the fact that it takes place at the same time Justin is hooking up with Ethan for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my Queen of Gifs - Kellankyle!


	20. Defending Brian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episodes 17-the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For context, read all the comments on my last post.

This discussion has turned from "Discovering Brian" into "Pillorying Brian," which was depressing the poo out of me . . . and then I recalled that I'm a defense attorney, dammit! If I can successfully defend criminals, I can (hopefully successfully) defend my client, Mr. Brian Kinney (and, by extension, his relationship with Justin).

COURT: The court now calls the case of Everybody vs. Brian Kinney. Will the defendant and his counsel please step forward. Bailiff, you may remove the prisoner's shackles. Counsel, how does your client plead?  
ME: Not guilty, your honor.  
COURT: Let me hear the statement of the prosecution's case against the accused.  
PROSECUTOR: Thank you, your Honor. The State accuses Mr. Kinney of being an insensitive, self-centered, emotionally-abusive, mean-spirited, manipulative, unrepentant, heartless Son of a Bitch who deserves to be dumped by the victim in this case and exposed to mockery and the general schadenfreude of his friends and family.  
COURT: Counsel? What is your client's defense? These are heavy accusations, and there's much evidence to support them.  
ME: Thank you, your Honor, my client's defense is as follows . . . .

FUCK OFF!

Lol, okay, that's not my client's defense, and as I've told many a client, I advise you not to yell "Fuck Off/You" in open court. You usually end up making the state's case much easier. So, here's the thing: we see only a small fraction of Brian's life, and the stuff we see is mostly (but not always) "bad." But yet people in his life not only put up with him; they seem to like him. Unless we believe that Michael is a complete, brain-dead doormat, Debbie's a moron, Lindsay's a dumb blonde, and Ted and Emmett are utterly oblivious and walk around with their heads up their asses, people wouldn't tolerate him, let alone like him. So they must see _something_ redeemable in him. He must reveal likeable parts of himself now and then. If he didn't, how could Emmett say with complete confidence that he knows Brian cares about him and Ted? So, Brian is bringing _something_ to the table. What is it?

Well, we know he can be funny and he's definitely smart. We also know he's capable of being supportive and generous. Now, one might say that he's only generous when it comes to Grand Gestures, but do we really know that? Maybe he's generous on a more daily basis and in less flashy ways. My point is - if we have any respect for the intelligence and self-esteem of the other characters, then we _have_ to assume that there's more to Brian than meets our, we the viewers', eyes. There simply _has_ to be. 

The legal principle behind my statement is called _Res ipsa loquitur_ \- the thing speaks for itself. What that means is that a particular outcome makes it absolutely clear - despite the absence of direct evidence - that a particular act was/was not committed. The famous example is of a man who walked near a barn and was crushed by a bail of hay. There is absolutely NO way it could have happened if someone wasn't negligent. In other words, someone did something wrong, the only question is who. So returning to Brian, we know that people like Brian thus, necessarily, there must be something likeable about him. It's called reading backwards from a result.

Okay, on to Brian and Justin's relationship. The same principle holds true. Either Justin is a pathetic doormat for staying with an emotionally-abusive partner or Brian has given Justin reasons to love him. If we don't want to see Justin as a helpless, brain-washed victim, then there _has_ to be something about Brian that makes him want to stay. Again, _Res ipsa loquitur._ So what might make Brian loveable and worth fighting for? (Hint: it's not just sex)

Let's start from the moment the alarm goes off in the morning:  
Justin and Brian wake up together and bedmate-morning stuff gets said.  
They shower together and Brian washes Justin's back. Meanwhile they're talking - about what? Probably their upcoming day or what they want for breakfast or other mundane things like that.  
Then Brian might drive Justin to school. My bet it that they're not silent; they're probably chatting about stuff. Unless we think that Brian doesn't talk to Justin unless it's to say something shitty, then chances are they're having an enjoyable conversation.  
In the evenings, my guess is that they eat meals together - not all the time, but at least some of the time. Is Brian an asshole during every meal? Unlikely.  
At night, they go out somewhere and hang-out together. There's no way Brian's in the backroom the entire time. He and Justin probably talk and dance.  
Then they go home and get into bed together. My guess is that they talk at least a little bit before they go to sleep. And they share a bed together for the night.  
Days probably go by without Brian hurting Justin in someway and Justin genuinely enjoying his company.

Then there's the weekend - they wake up together, get ready to go to the diner, spend at least some of the day together, eat together and go out together.

My point is that during all these times, Brian is being someone Justin likes and enjoys being around (unless, like I said, you see Justin as a total doormat, which I don't). My guess is that Brian can be playful and funny - I don't know exactly what they talk about, and it might not be hugely personal and deep, but they _are_ talking. Brian has made Justin a part of his life, part of his daily routine and vice versa. There must be _something_ Justin finds attractive about Brian other than sex. Right?

Clearly what Brian is _not_ giving Justin are unambiguous, traditionally romantic experiences. But that doesn't mean he's not giving Justin _anything_. He's simply not Ethan. Now, Justin has every right to decide he wants to be with someone other than Brian and have a more traditional relationship, but that desire doesn't mean life with Brian is terrible and devoid of affection. Maybe Justin decides he's not getting _enough_ affection from Brain, but clearly he's getting some or he would've left a long time ago.

That's my defense of Brian. In a nutshell, we _know_ that Brian has likeable qualities that make people want to spend time with him. And if we believe that Justin loves him, there must be something worth loving because if there isn't than Justin is pathetic and contemptible for continuing to love him. At the end of the day, I think it's very reasonable to assume that Brian's likeable qualities outweigh the things about him that make him difficult to be around.

The defense rests its case. I submit my client's case to the jury for deliberations.

 **ETA:** I should make it clear that the gist of this post doesn't pertain solely to Brian and Justin - it's about Brian and everyone in his life. In many ways, it's particularly important when it comes to Michael. If we don't think that Michael is a hopeless, spineless sycophant then we have to assume that being friends with Brian is worth all the trouble. Brian _must_ be loveable to Michael, right? He must give Michael something positive that counterbalances the negative.


	21. Taking A Break

Hey all, I'm going to press the pause button on season two for the next six weeks or so. I have many exciting adventures that will be carrying me far and wide and (hopefully) away from the internet.

In the meantime, here's something amusing/not so amusing. It's the LJ post I made the night I watched the final episode. I'm surprised - and not surprised - that two & a half years later, my feelings have changed little (but see my ETA below).

I was talking to a friend recently who said that she knows some people feel the ending is a happy one, but how can an ending be happy if it makes you cry your eyes out and not in a healthy, life-affirming kind of way? I can intellectualize the whole thing till the cows come home, but at the end of the day, the fucking show broke my fucking heart. I think that when it comes to Queer as Folk, in general, and Brian in particular, a "happy ending" is in the eye of the beholder. Happy endings are happy because they make you happy. Endings are not happy if they cause you to ask your psychiatrist to increase your dose of Zoloft.

 **ETA!** The first comment on this post belatedly reminded me that I am no longer convinced that Brian and Justin don't reunite at some point after the show. I think there's at least a 50/50 chance that they do. Since writing this post, I've read a few fanfic stories that have made me truly believe that they find their way back to each other - it won't be soon and it won't be easy, but I've been convinced it can happen. It's a hard story to write (let alone write well) but a few writers have done it brilliantly. (I'll be happy to pass along the recommendations - email me at frayach@yahoo.com I don't want to list them here because I'm sure there are many other wonderful stories that I haven't read yet, and I don't want to inadvertently hurt, offend or otherwise upset anyone if I don't mention their story).

 **ETA#2!** Sorry for all the 'edited to add's - I was just reading through the comments on my LJ post and recalled an interpretation of the ending that I didn't believe at the time but now see some merit to, namely, the hypothesis that Brian bails on Pittsburgh and moves west somewhere (not NYC) to start a whole, brand-new life. Interesting idea! Not to mention a great plot-bunny . . . . happy endings make me happy.

 **ETA#3!** Okay, I promise that this is the last ETA - read the comments to this post (not to my LJ post), and you'll see I agree with virtually nothing I thought immediately after watching the show. LOL!! As always, interacting with you guys has made me see things differently and reevaluate and revise my opinions. So, consider my LJ post old news, and my responses to the comments below a sign of my better understanding of the show. THAT SAID - nothing I say below changes the fact that I find the end so emotionally devastating. Why?? Well, I guess that's the $100-million-dollar question.

Anyway, here's the entry.

 

**I Wish I Hadn't Watched QaF - Seriously. No joke.**

Oct. 8th, 2012 at 9:21 PM

I just finished the final episode.

I have paid A LOT of attention to Brian Kinney's character. When it came to him, I think the ending was spot-on perfect. The writers nailed it. Dancing alone. Brian is surrounded almost all the time with people, but he is, in his essence, irreparably lonely. He was a lonely child, and he will die a lonely man - and soon. I truly believe he will never see Justin again because Justin will move on - friends, lovers and a new life - and Brian, because he loves Justin so much, won't try to intercede. When he breaks off the engagement, Brian is committing his penultimate act of love by setting Justin wholly free even though he knows Justin will never return to him. Brian will be a story Justin will tell his closest friends and eventual life-partner. But Brian is a past he must leave behind completely in order to be his own person - and Brian knows it. Justin will still love Brian, but only in a vague amorphous way. He will find success and happiness.

Brian, however, already had his success and fleeting happiness. It's over for him. I cannot see him being capable of ever changing his life. It'll become a ball & chain, and then he'll die - maybe not in an out&out suicide, but maybe in a reckless, semi-intentional overdose or car accident. He won't live to see 39. It's the only way he can remain forever young and forever beautiful.

I know what the writers said in that interview, but they don't really mean it. If they'd meant to end Brian's loneliness, Justin would've been in the crowd dancing with Michael & Ben and Ted & Blake and Emmett. I think the writers made it quite clear that Justin is gone in every sense of the word. At the very least, they wouldn't have written the last scene to show Brian dancing on that raised platform by himself - above everyone else, untouchable and alone. I think the message is absolutely clear. I can say this even without having to have watched that scene of Brian lying in his bed after he & Justin had made love in the exact same position he been lying in with Justin - naked, vulnerable and alone. Alone in his bed despite how many people had been there before. I wish I hadn't seen that. I really feel that the writers crossed the line from healthy angst to abusive angst with that image.

And kudos to the writers (at least as far as Brian & Justin are concerned) for not giving into the pressure to give Brian a happy ending. Five stars and two thumbs-up in that regard. It's exactly the way things had to turn out if Brian's character was going to survive five seasons intact.

So the writer in me is happy, but the rest of me had my fucking heart broken. Not so much because Brian and Justin didn't work out; as much as I'd wanted to be, the writers never truly managed to convince me that their relationship was workable in the long run. But because of Brian, himself. As much as he had to end up alone, it's so terribly terribly sad, and I'm sitting here dripping tears all over my keyboard and wishing quite sincerely that I hadn't watched the show.

Brian will remain in love with Justin - he fell in love during the first season and will always remain in love. He will never fall in love, let alone live with anybody else again. That last love-making scene is the last time he will ever make love again.

The thing I absolutely hated the most because it was so painful and that leaves me convinced Brian and Justin will never see each other again is the reason Justin doesn't want to marry Brian - not because he wants Brian to explore new horizons like Brian wants him to do - but because cuddling (aka contentment) is "not who Brian is." Apparently, in Justin's mind (and the writers') Brian's purpose in life is to party and fuck. Nice, Justin. Way to affirm what Brian has always suspected, but maybe was honestly trying to escape. To imply to a 35 year-old man that his "real self" is to be a washed-up club boy deserving of pity is NO compliment. And it made me realize that Justin has no fucking clue who Brian really is - or might have had the capacity to become. Again, I think it's absolutely the way things should've turned out writing-wise, but it **sucks** if you've become very attached to Brian like I have. I can't help but wish Justin hadn't broken things off because he wanted Brian to go back to being a lonely man whose life revolves around nothing but fucking because "that's who Brian really is." He should've just said that he was leaving because he wanted to go to NYC. But by saying he doesn't want to get married because it would change who Brian is, he's telling Brian that he has no real hope that Brian can change - and, as Michael says in the end in the overlaid monologue, change is absolutely necessary for fulfillment. Both Justin & Michael (the two people who mean the most to Brian in the world) think that changing would be a betrayal of his authentic self. They've both locked him into a world he'd created for himself as a teenager and basically be can't come out. Talk about being in the closet!

The writers chose to draw such a huge, bright-line dichotomy between being single and being Married (with a capital "M"). There's no middle-ground that can be anything but a farce. It's a loft in the city OR a house in the burbs. It's complete monogamy OR promiscuity. Apparently, an open-monogamous relationship is doomed to failure and doomed to be a farce that will eventually fall apart because one of them finally "grows up" and figures out that life in the burbs is more mature. It's either or with nothing viable in-between. Someone's either single & fucking around OR they're married (or aspiring to be married) and monogamous. And clearly the writers elevate one over the other. And they made such an effort to show that Justin values marriage, and when Justin says he won't marry Brian, it's not because he rejects his dreams of marriage (aka committed monogamous relationship) but because he believes that Brian will have to be warped into something unrecognizable to fulfill his (Justin's) dreams. Because the writers decided one either cuddles OR goes out to a club. It would warp Brian beyond recognition if he chose the cuddling, but it ignores the creative possibility of a healthy mingling of the two extremes. I think that's bollocks, but that's the framework in which the writers chose to frame the story, and there's no question that to remain true to his character, Brian couldn't be allowed to have anything other than dancing & fucking & doing poppers, let alone a long life.

However it happens, I hope that Brian dies quickly and without pain. He's already suffered enough.

[Check out the comments](http://frayach.livejournal.com/111930.html)


	22. Postcards from Austin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interesting stuff!!

It's hot here! Austin, Texas, that is. Damn hot! (insert Texas accent). And I'm not just talkin' about the temperature. There's a television festival/con/thing taking place, and Dan, Ron, Peter, Gale, Randy and Robert are here (well, Randy left already, but he was here). They all took part in a panel discussion about Queer as Folk, and it was fascinating to get the behind-the-scenes anecdotes and discussions. Everyone had something interesting to say, but I was particularly interested to hear from Ron and Dan. Here are some highlights:

1.) I've always doubted the "rumor" floating around out there that Dan and Ron never intended to convey the message that Brian and Justin break up at the end of the show. Well, the rumor is true. They were very adamant that Brian and Justin kept seeing each other. So, there it is - straight from the horses' mouths. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to ask Gale and Randy about their opinions of Brian and Justin's future, so I'm still left wondering if the writers were sure of their intentions, but the actors were less sure based on their own, particular understandings of their characters and their characters' relationship. I still think ambiguity exists, but not when it comes to Dan and Ron. They actually seem baffled by the whole thing - as in how could we _possibly_ think Brian and Justin were splitting up? But me thinks there was a slight slip between the cup and the lip.

2.) The primary aim for Dan and Ron in Season 5 was to tackle the whole issue of assimilation. Does the gay community want to be just like straight people or totally different or some kind of something in-between? They used Michael and Ben to portray the "pro-assimilation" side of the debate and Brian and Justin to portray the "anti-assimilation" side. They also equated the assimilation debate with the whole concept of sacrifice. In other words, what do you give up for love? People who want to start a family like Ben and Michael have to "give up" a lot of their lives in order to protect and nurture the family unit. People who don't want to start a family like Brian and Justin have a harder time identifying what should be "sacrificed" in the name of love. In Brian and Justin's case, Brian shouldn't have to stop being queer, and Justin shouldn't give up his chance to live and work in NYC. Which, for me, begs the question of what "being queer" means to Brian. Is it "just" fucking, sucking, rimming, ramming, doing drugs, and hanging out at Babylon? That seems to be what Justin thinks (and Michael). I did not get a sense if that is what Dan and Ron think . . . . . . .

3.) Dan and Ron meant for the Brian and Michael friendship arc in Season 5 to be hugely important - especially for Brian. In general, it is clear that they view Michael's friendship as a Really Big Deal for Brian. Their "reunion" at the end of Season 5 is symbolic of the "two sides" of the assimilation debate coming to a place of mutual understanding, acceptance and respect.

4.) The character Dan and Ron were most invested in creatively and emotionally was Emmett (and they obviously ADORE Peter, who is a truly remarkable person).

Speaking of understanding, admiration and respect - it's clear that everyone who is here truly likes and cares for each other. There have been a lot of outright demonstrations and declarations of affection and good memories. I have to say that I'm even more in love with the show now than I was before, and that is saying something!


	23. This is the End, My Friends . . .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season Two, episodes 19 and 20.

Hello all, sorry about the lloonngger than expected break . . . let’s jump right back in where we left off. Season Two, episodes 19 and 20. (I’m combining both episodes for time and sanity reasons – I really have a hard time with the end of Season Two.)

To recap: Justin and Ethan are ~~balls~~ knees deep in their affair and Brian has no clue . . . yet. We all know the broad strokes, so I want to focus on the details. Starting with Michael.

 **Michael:** Episode 19 begins on the set of Ted’s porn site. Brian and Michael are getting the grand tour and teasing each other like teenagers. I think the reason for this is to establish the background for Michael’s later disclosure of Justin’s affair. We’re reminded how close Brian and Michael are and how far back their friendship goes. Michael’s first and foremost loyalty is to Brian. His friendship with Justin takes a backseat.

I’m going to make myself unpopular and come out in unambiguous full support of Michael’s decision to tell Brian that Justin is cheating on him. I would do the same thing in his shoes. It would be impossible for me to watch my best friend being played for a fool. As soon as I knew the affair was the real deal (as opposed to mere hearsay), I would tell my friend. I can’t imagine doing anything else, and I’m looking forward to hearing you guys’ arguments to the contrary. Now, granted, I would _not_ tell my friend at a dance club when he’s got some guy’s hand down his pants, but Michael isn’t known for his tact and timing. But what he did – and the reason he did it – makes complete moral sense to me.

Check out the first scene in episode 20: Brian, Michael and Justin are at Michael’s store. Brian is showing them the fliers and ads for “Rage.” Justin leaves to go to class, and Brian watches him go. Michael sees the hurt in his eyes and gives him a hug and a kiss. “I love you,” he says, and Brian returns the sentiment with his characteristic “always have, always will.”

Now if only Brian could bring himself to do the same with Justin!

 **Justin:** Uhm. Anything I say will get me in trouble and confirm my reputation as a mean, evil Sunshine hater. Let’s just say, I understand completely why he wants to leave Brian for Ethan, but he does it in such a cowardly, immature and hurtful way. Walking out of the launch party Brian had arranged without even a good-bye . . . no words. Sadly (and I do mean sadly), my esteem for Justin never fully rebounded after the Ethan Arc. I _really_ wish the writers had managed to get me to fall in love with him again, but they didn’t. I never stopped _liking_ Justin – and admiring him separate from his relationship with Brian – but I stopped loving him. :( :( :( Perhaps, I could have forgiven Justin for the way he handled his affair if he hadn’t played the martyr in the beginning of Season Three. Again, I totally understand why he left Brian and why Ethan was so attractive, but his behavior post-break-up is petty and bitter for no reason.

Yikes. Feel more than free to splatter me with smooshy, rotten tomatoes (or even hard, green ones). Seriously. I will love forever the person who can change my mind and get me to see Justin and his actions in a different light.

 **Ethan:** I really like Ethan in Season Two. He’s intelligent, passionate and _fun_. Hell, if it were me, I’d choose Ethan over Brian in a heartbeat. He’s caring and giving and loves Justin unambiguously. I don’t blame Ethan for the affair. Justin was a big boy. He could’ve broken up with Brian before starting his relationship with Ethan. Ethan had no responsibility for Brian or Brian’s feelings. In fact, Justin gave him reasons to actively dislike Brian – or, at the very least, believe that Brian didn’t treat him well. Ethan is not a villain. He fell in love with a man who fell in love with him.

 **The Scene in the Shower:** Oh, what a painful scene! Justin _almost_ tells Brian about Ethan. He’s so close, but he doesn’t. Then Brian fucks him up against the shower wall in direct contrast to Ethan making love to him earlier. Not a pretty comparison. Again, this is one of the many examples of why it makes sense that Justin left Brian for Ethan . . . but still . . . so painful.

 **The Borderline Rape Scene:** Here’s another potential rotten tomatoes moment. Okay, yes, this scene is sexy as hell. Brian is on fire, but he’s also _furious_. Michael (obliquely) told him about Justin’s affair, and he’s been sitting home for hours in the dark, drinking and scheming. The “you stink” . . . that wasn’t spontaneous. That was planned. Calculating, cruel, designed to produce the maximum amount of humiliation. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Justin had started out saying “no.” Brian should’ve stopped right then and there, but he didn’t. 

**The Scene in the Diner:** Pure Brian. Again, he’s calculating, cruel, and his scheme was purposefully and elegantly designed to produce the maximum amount of humiliation. It was no accident that Justin walked in and found him talking with Ethan. The little charade was his way of letting Justin know that he’d found out about the affair. It shows an ugly side of Brian. He could have (and _should_ have) confronted Justin in the privacy of their home and initiated a conversation. But then again, when he’d asked Justin where he’d been a couple days before, Justin had lied through his teeth.  
BRIAN: Where have you been?  
JUSTIN: Studying.  
BRIAN: Studying?  
JUSTIN: Sweating over a project.  
Not only was that a lie, it was a dig. Moral of the story . . . ugly begets ugly.

 **The Actual Confrontation:** Can we all agree that Brian screws the whole thing up? Justin practically tells him that if Brian could/would treat him like Ethan does, then he’d stay, but Brian doesn’t. He’d rather let Justin walk out the door than admit his feelings. Talk about making the bed you lie in!

 **The Lifted Quilt:** Translation: I love you, and I want you to stay. Too little, too late. Or is it? By getting in bed had Justin basically said that he chooses Brian? What would’ve happened if he hadn’t discovered Brian fucking “Rage”? Would he still have left with Ethan? (Hhhhmmm . . . I think I just tripped over a plot bunny.)

 **The Launch Party:** See above. 

Well, that’s the Cliff Notes edition of episodes 19 and 20. I’m sorry to have dealt with them so cursorily, but the truth is that I find them upsetting and hard to watch.

See end notes . . . . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not only is this the end of our discussion of Season Two, it's the end of the discussion entirely. I would love to go on to Season Three, but I am about to have a major life change (new job after 2 years of searching!) that is going to seriously cut into my fandom time. To the extent I'll have any time at all, I want to focus on writing stories.
> 
> I have GREATLY enjoyed this conversation. Thank you so much to everyone who has participated (or just read along). I learned a ton from you guys much of which I incorporated into many a story. This has been a wonderful opportunity to interact with other fans and share my passion for the show. I hope you guys have enjoyed it as much as I have :)


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